


They Are Coming

by cissarego



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt, Sexual Content, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-22
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:54:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3588657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissarego/pseuds/cissarego
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events in Mt. Weather, Clarke found herself alone in the forest with only her thoughts to keep her company. However, the only thing her thoughts are doing, is keeping her awake. A new enemy will arise and change everything. When she thought she made peace with what happened in Mt Weather, she will find herself facing the very person she can't stop thinking of. Unexpectedly and unintentionally, Clarke is taken to Polis where she finds Lexa, who is trying to fight her own demons. Will Clarke be able to forgive the Grounder Commander? Will Lexa embrace her weakness? They will have to figure out a way to deal with their past as once more they will join forces against a powerful enemy. Angst, pain and a deliciously slow burn romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why do I hurt?

**Author's Note:**

> Alright guys, this is my first ever fic so if I'm lame, I apologise in advance.  
> Let me warn you about a few things. The story will start with individual chapters. I want you guys to go deep into Clarke's and Lexa's minds to understand how they are feeling after all they did in Mt. Weather. I think it's important that you know how they feel so, stay with me, hopefully it will be worthy.  
> I know it says on the description but it's always good to remind that we will have some graphic descriptions of torture and violence so, if you don't feel comfortable with it, I suggest you skip the chapters where this will happen.  
> I'm once-upon-a-sasss on tumblr, feel free to add me! :)  
> Also, thank you very much to all my beautiful beta readers. You are the best!  
> Let me know what you think!

Chapter 1 - Why do I hurt?

Clarke

The cold wind on her skin was not helping to wash away the tsunami of thoughts inside her head. So much had happened, so many people left, so many people died.

Of one thing, she was certain: she did what she thought it was best for her people, she saved as many as she could. She knew that as true but she couldn't stop remembering how many lives she took. She never thought she would be able to do that, to take lives, to choose who lives and who dies. She never wanted that, it was too much. She has changed so much since the first time she stepped out the dropship and felt the earth breeze on her face. It was like only yesterday, she remembered being mesmerised by the first sight of Earth. The sun on her face, nature, animals, so many new things, new experience. She knew that was home as soon as she stepped outside and felt the air.  
But now she feels like even the breeze has changed. She knows she can't change the past but she can try and make more of her future. She just doesn't know how.

It has been five days since she left Camp Jaha not knowing where to go. Five days of solitude, of having nothing but the sound of animals and trees around her. On the first days, she enjoyed the peace and quiet after so much noise, so much screaming, so much pain. But after five days of wandering around in the woods, the loneliness started to hit her harder than she was expecting.

She could, however, deal well with the fact of being on her own. The forest did not scare her. Not anymore. She knew there were no grounders around and even if there were, they were not a threat. At least not to her. _Grounders_. The very word caused a sharp pain she could feel from the tip of her toe to the top of her head. She wondered why this pain was there. It didn't make sense, she thought. After all, the Commander was trying to protect her people, to do the right thing for the grounders. After all that happened inside Mt Weather, she finally understood what Lexa did. What happened to herself at that time, made her understand. She did what she thought to be a horrible thing, to save her friends. She hurt so many people in the process, things she never thought she would do, for her people. She understood why Lexa left and she knew that if the situation was reversed, she would have done the same thing. She kept repeating this over and over inside her head because she knew that was the truth but she still felt the pain when she thought about the grounders. She could see Lexa's face every time she closed her eyes and she could hear her saying _"May we meet again."_ every time the wind stopped and the trees fell in silence. It was confusing and exhausting. It made no sense to Clarke why the image of the grounder Commander was always inside her head.

This was actually the main reason why her solitude was starting to become a problem. Not the very fact that she was alone, but the fact that she didn't have peace of mind. She couldn't stop dreaming about it or thinking about it. Every single night she set camp and went to sleep, her slumber was disrupted by Lexa's voice, her last words of goodbye before she turned around without looking back.

 _"I do care, Clarke."_ She couldn't shake of her face, she couldn't let it go.

"Goddamnit..." she mumbled to herself as she turned on the bed made of leaves and twigs.

She stared at the starry sky and sighed deeply asking herself why Lexa's decision bothered her so much, why it was haunting her if she knew the Commander was only protecting her people. So many thoughts floated inside her head. She knew that Lexa was right, she would have done the same. She agreed, she understood but still, the image of the Grounder leader walking off kept her from sleeping at night. Everything was so confusing, she felt exhausted, completely drained. Her body was lacking of sleep and her mind was never at ease. She needed a break but she knew she couldn't have one. Not yet.

Since sleeping didn't seem to be an option, the blonde decided to carry on walking. She knew it shouldn't be long before sunrise and she could get some good miles without the uncomfortable heat from the sun. She looked at the east and saw the first rays of light piercing through the night sky.

"Six days..." She said to herself as she carried on walking.

After a few hours, she came across a stream where she decided to wash and fill up her canteen. The water was nice and cold and she felt invigorated after she washed her face.

Despite the relief the fresh water brought, she felt weirdly uneasy for some reason. Like something was not quite right. she wondered if her sleepless mind was starting to play games with her. She looked around but didn't see anything suspicious and decided that there is not much she could do at that moment. She continued washing herself in the stream for a while longer and gathered her things to carry on the journey always looking around to make sure there was no one there.  
Once again, she walked pointlessly for hours and hours, having no idea where she was going. The sun was starting to set when she heard a noise coming from her left. She drew her gun and quickly turned around expecting to see something or someone by her side. But when she turned, she saw nothing. Clarke was sure she heard a sound, it was a twig breaking, as if someone was trying to follow her but was careless.

"Show yourself!" She shouted. She heard some birds flying off as she spoke. "I know you're there. I heard you walking!" She tried once more but no one replied.

The blond put away her gun still searching between trees and decided to walk a little further before setting camp for the night. She built a bed with some large leaves and twigs and used her jacket as cover. Luckily, the temperature didn't drop too much at night so she could sleep - or try to, without feeling too cold. She lit up a little fire next to her bed and curled herself to try and sleep.

_The wind was strong and she felt extremely warm. She was sweating. Looking around, she saw fire everywhere. She was surrounded by it._  
_"Clarke!"_  
_She heard a voice calling her name. Looking away, she saw Lexa still wearing her war gear and make up. The Commander still had her face covered in blood and dirt. Her green eyes were empty._  
_"Lexa! What is this place, what are we doing here?"_  
_"I'm sorry Clarke. I wish there was another way."_  
_"Another way for what? What are you talking about?"_  
_"If the situation was different..."_  
_"No, Lexa. I understand you. I know why you left. And you were right, I would have done the same if I had the chance to save my people."_  
_"Why do you still feel pain then? Why do you hurt, Clarke?"_  
_Clarke could hear a loud explosion and the flames were even closer to them. She couldn't bear the heat, it was making her sick, it was making her dizzy._  
_"I don't know, Lexa. Why do I?"_  
_Another explosion made the ground shake almost knocking Clarke from her feet. The flames were upon her now and she could barely see Lexa's face as the Grounder Leader started to walk away._  
_"Lexa! Wait!"_  
_"I'm sorry, Clarke. May we meet again."_  
_"No, wait! Not again! Answer me! Why do I hurt? Lexa!"_  
_The Commander was already out of sight when one last explosion rocketed Clarke's body off the floor. She felt her head go extremely light and empty. She wondered if she was dying. She closed her eyes as her body flew through the air but the sensation didn't last long. She felt herself diving down fast and opened her eyes to see that the ground was getting closer and closer. She closed her eyes once more right before her body hit the floor._


	2. Love is Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa got back to Polis victorious but she has her own demons to battle now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey peeps! Thank you very much for all the kudos and bookmarks and comments. It means a lot to me.  
> I neet to let you guys know that I'm not 100% sure on how often I'll be able to update. I went mental this weekend and wrote a lot but I don't know if I'll have enough time in the week. Good news is, chapter 3 is ready and my betas are working on it so at least the next chapter will be up pretty soon. My intentions are to update at least once a week, hopefully twice. Thank you again to all beautiful betas who save me from embarrassing myself.
> 
> Feel free to message me on tumblr, I'm once-upon-a-sasss
> 
> In this chapter, we get to know what's going on with Commander Puppy Eyes Lexa. Enjoy! :)

Chapter 2 - Love is Weakness.  
  
Lexa

The city still had the air of celebration. People walked around with smiles on their faces, remembering the big party thrown to the Commander for rescuing all their people from Mt. Weather. It had been 5 days since Lexa and her generals returned from the mountain with all the rescued grounders.

Polis was like no other grounder village. It was in fact a big city, built from what was left of a devastated area, the grounders managed to change a scenery of destruction into a mighty capital. Surrounded by tall walls built with strong tree logs and stone, Polis had houses and multi storey buildings that gave home to hundreds of grounders. Every tool and debris found by its inhabitants had new uses and everyone lived in peace. The city was chosen as the Grounder Capital after the Commander united the 12 clans as they needed a place where families could unite and generals could meet every once in a while. It was right before the Mt. Weather campaign that Lexa went to live in Polis as it was safer for her and easier to make contact with the clans' representatives.

When she arrived back home , the city welcomed the Commander and her generals with joy and adoration. She knew she did the right thing, she knew her responsibility to her people would always come first, but she couldn't forgive herself for abandoning Clarke when the girl needed her the most.  
She didn't even know if the leader of the Sky people was alive or dead. She wanted to believe that Clarke was alive and that one day they would meet again.

Ever since her arrival, the city was still cheering, but Lexa didn't share any of the happy feelings. She sat on the balcony of the semi derelict two storey building she chose as her residency. Guards stood by the door and on the roof, protecting the Commander. She was staring at the narrow road where a few children played happily and wished her life was simpler.

Lexa sighed deeply and looked at the sky. She was regretful in a way she didn't expect to be. As the Commander, she has to protect her people and so she did. But she knew she betrayed more than just Clarke Griffin, she betrayed herself. For the first time since Costia, she allowed herself to _feel_. And the feelings she had were overwhelming and scary but at the same time they were making her feel alive for the first time in a long while. She closed her eyes reminiscing.

_"Don't we deserve better than that?"_

Clarke's words never left her thoughts. She knew she deserved better than that. She wanted more than that. She missed loving and being loved. But the pain of losing Costia still burned inside her chest. She felt guilty about her feelings for Clarke but at the same time she couldn't stop but thinking about how the blonde kissed her back when she let her weakness take over.

"Love is weakness." She said to herself. "Love is weakness. And I'm not weak."

She buried her face in her hands and sighed again. She didn't want to be weak but she knew that, deep down, that was a lost battle. She knew she needed to learn how to deal with these feelings but at the same time she wasn't sure if she shouldn because regardless of her wishes and dreams, she knew that the most likely scenario was that Clarke and all her friends were dead. They didn't have enough people or weapons to deal with the heavily armed mountain men.

"That's it!" She said. "She is dead." She tried to convince herself of the inevitable destiny of the girl who made her feel. The girl who made her face her biggest fear, her biggest pain.

Lexa got up and stood tall, as if she just won an important battle. As if she regained her senses and took control over herself. She put on her Commander mask promising herself she would never let it fall again. Letting herself be won over by weakness was a mistake that she wouldn't ever make again.

She turned away from the balcony and entered her bedroom. It was not very large but it was her safe place. There were battle trinkets on a table in one of the corners and a sword hung on the wall above her bed. Black ragged curtains surrounded the bed and a big chest with some of her clothes rested on the wall neat the door.

Lexa opened the chest and grabbed some clothes, she needed to change to go meet the leader of the Sea Clan to discuss the next fishing trip. She knew the sea was a dangerous place and her armies lost several men to the sea. Since the last expedition, she decided that all fishing trips would be discussed with her beforehand so the planning would be more effective and less lives would be lost. As she finished getting ready, she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in." She said. She heard the door opening and tuned to see who was it.

Indra came in and lowered her head in respect.

"Heda."

"What can I do for you, Indra?"

"The Sea Clan leader arrived. He brought some disturbing news."

"And what would this disturbance be?"

"There are rumors, Heda. The Sea Clan warriors suspect the Ice Nation is starting to make a move. The warriors said they could be planning a new attack. "

"This is not possible, Indra." Lexa said with rage in her voice. "The last time they tried to invade our lands we sent them away. Actually we sent only half of them away. We killed the other half." She completed.

"Your victory was remarkable, Heda. But maybe we should be cautious. The Ice Nation can be dangerous."

"If they try anything they will lose not only half of their people, but all of them. I will personally cut off the head of their queen. Keep your eyes and ears open but we will lay low for now, I don't want to cause panic. " She stated, decisively.

"But Heda..."

"Do you question my decision, Indra?" Lexa started to get impatient, looking at her general with serious eyes.

Indra lowered her head with respect, apologising.

"No Heda. You are right. I'll take the Sea Clan men to the main building and tell them to wait for you there."

The Commander watched the woman turn her back and go out the door. She closed her eyes and controlled her breathing. The Sea Clan was waiting for her. She had important decisions to make. Any mistakes would cost the lives of many fishermen, who were also warriors, and seriously disrupt the food supply to various villages. She put her coat and boots on and headed to the door thinking about the task ahead and trying to push away the memories of her weakness, the memories of Clarke Griffin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! :)


	3. Spears, Rabbits and Bruised Head.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clarke goes for a hunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again guys!  
> Thank you once more for all the amazing feedback! You are awesome!  
> Also, another big thank you to my beautiful beta readers, it's been amazing to work with you!!  
> I hope you enjoy this one, it's a bit longer than the previous ones. Next chapter will be up on Sunday!  
> My tumblr is once-upon-a-sasss :)

Chapter 3 - Spears, Rabbits and Bruised Head.

  
Clarke

  
Clarke jolted up to a sitting position breathing franticly and covered in sweat. She blinked a few times to make sure she was awake. She looked around and saw the trees and what was left of the little fire the put on earlier. After sighing in relief, she buried her face in her hands, closing her eyes.  
  
"What the hell?" She said to herself.

The dream was much more vivid than all others before. On previous nights, she would dream about the events that happened in Mt Weather but it was like reliving the experience. This time, she saw Lexa in front of her, a whole new scenario, fire, explosions, and she didn't understand what that meant.  
  
She got up and walked towards a little stream to wash her face and drink. She was uncomfortable with that dream, she wanted to understand what that was all about. The night was still young and the blonde still felt tired so she decided to go back to bed and try to sleep for a bit longer. She collected some new big leaves to replace the ones drenched in sweat and curled to let herself be taken by her tiredness. Before long, she was back asleep.  
  
 _"Clarke, wake up!"_  
 _She felt someone shaking her but she didn't want to open her eyes._  
 _"Clarke! We need to talk! Wake up!"_  
 _Clarke opened her eyes and confusion took over. She looked around and saw familiar walls around her. By the side of her bed, she saw a familiar face and she sighed in relief._  
 _"Mum? What happened? Where are we?"_  
 _Abby looked at her daughter and carressed her hair._  
 _"We are home, darling."_  
 _Clarke got up her bed and walked to the window. She jumped back in surprise when she saw Earth and the black space sky outside._  
 _"We're in the Ark! It's not possible. What is going on? Am I dreaming again?"_  
 _She felt her heart speeding up, that was not real, that was not home._  
 _"Mum, listen to me, this is not right!"_  
 _"No Clarke, you listen to me." Abby's tone was serious and decisive. "You hurt because you were betrayed, darling. Because they left you when you needed them the most.You trusted them, Clarke and they went away."_  
 _"That's not true mum. If I had the chance Lexa had, I would have taken it. Bellamy would have taken, even you would have taken! We do what we have to protect our people."_  
 _"That doesn't change the fact that she left you, Clarke. You trusted her and she betrayed your trust. She might have done what was right to her people and you might understand that and even recognize the fact that you would have done the same, but you have to face it. You hurt because you feel betrayed and that betrayal came from where you least expected. Face the truth, Clarke. It will be easier this way."_  
  
Clarke slowly opened her eyes and took a deep breath. Another weird dream haunted her sleep and she had no idea what was going on with her mind. This time, however, she felt a little bit more at ease with the images that lurked inside her head while she was sleeping. Seeing her mum's face was certainly a good thing and, even though it was weird to be back in the Ark, she felt like Abby was right. She couldn't let go of the image of Lexa turning away from her because she felt betrayed. Lexa should have known better. They built something that was hard for both of them but especially for Lexa, who has big trust issues. And she didn't hesitate. She left. She broke that trust. That's why she hurts, that's why she felt so terrible about it even though she understood. That must be it.  
  
She got up slowly and rubbed her eyes. Even with the weird dream about her mother, she managed to rest properly. The sun was still low in the sky and she felt like her body now needed nutrition. She searched her pockets and sighed in frustration.  
  
"Well done, Clarke. Just leave camp all by yourself to go hell knows where and don't take any knives with you..." She complained.  
  
Looking around, she collected a number of twigs and started to look for one that was stronger and a bit longer than the others. With a rock, she started sharpening the edge of the twig until it was pointy enough to actually pierce something. It seemed like an easy enough task so she grabbed the first one and started using the rock to create the edge. She was confident she could make a good weapon out of only natural resources. Even though she built hundreds of knives and spears out of the debris of the dropship, not having anything metallic or any sort of rope was quite new. It was with a little bit of surprise that she felt the first twig breaking in half as she tried to sharpen it. She tried to get a slightly thicker one that started to look something like a spear and a big smile rose on Clarke's face.   
  
"That's more like it!" She said as she kept sharpening it, but her happiness didn't last long. As she finished the sentence, the force applied to sharpen the branch made it snap in half in her hands.She felt like her patience was leaving her and with a deep breath she got up and started pacing around.  
  
"Fuck this!" She said, throwing the broken branch far away.   
  
She made her way back to the stream and started to look for a pointy rock. Spears made of thin wood would not be enough anyway. After a few minutes, she found what she thought would be the best option and took it back to her little camp. On the way back, she took some strong vines from an old tree and found a new piece of wood, this time longer and straighter than the ones she was trying to sharpen. She used another rock to make the point of the one she found in the stream more edgy and after a while she tied it on the branch with the vine she collected.  
  
Clarke felt proud of herself when looked at her freshly made spear. She felt the grip of it and rehearsed some throws and got quite satisfied with the results. She looked around thinking about what direction to take to find some food. The stream nearby was too shallow and fast, there was no fish in it, so she would need to rely on the animals on the ground. She remembered seeing some rabbits on her walks so surely finding something to eat wouldn't be a problem. She collected some nuts and small fruits but she felt like she needed more so, with her spear in hand, she took a hunting position and started searching the nearby woods.  
  
Clarke likes being in those woods and she sure enjoyed some hunting. But this time, everything seemed a bit different because taking a life had a whole new meaning. Focused, she was walking low, trying not to make a lot of noise to make sure she wouldn't scare her possible targets. She saw some movement in a bush by her left and she slowly turned around to check it out. A little rabbit looked back at her with big red eyes.   
  
The rabbit started to run away and Clarke didn't waste time in following it.  She thought about simply throwing her spear but the target was on the run and it was very small so instead, she decided to chase it. She ran across the bushes with the wind against her face. Lots of leaves and tiny twigs flew against her face, making a bit harder to see where she was going. This, however, didn't give the rabbit too much of an advantage and before long, the blonde caught up with it and managed to grab it by the back of its neck.  
  
"Gotcha!!" She said, victorious, panting and trying to control her breathing. It was a good run, she thought. She felt the adrenaline of the hunt take over her body.   
  
She walked back to her little camp to deal with the rabbit. She held it's little body with one hand and the head with the other, getting ready to twist it's neck. She took a deep breath and started to aply some force to do what she had to, but a flood of thoughts took over her mind. she was about to take one more life. She thought she couldn't do it anymore, she thought she couldn't bare the feeling of killing again. Even that small rabbit. She closed her eyes and a hauting voice creeped inside her mind.  
  
 _"We do what we must to survive"_  
  
Clarke tensed and started to feel angry. Without noticing, she started to twist the rabbit's neck stonger. She felt her blood boil and she didn't understand why.   
  
**"GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD!!!!!"** She shouted in rage as she twisted the rabbit's neck, taking away it's life.  
  
Clarke looked at her own hands and saw the lifeless animal and her chest filled with pain. She fell on her knees and started to weep. She didn't mean to do that, she didn't want to take another life. She had enugh of death and violence. In fact, she had enough of everything. She felt more tired than ever before and she knew she needed a break.  
  
The blonde tried to calm herself down. Theres nothing more she could do at that moment. The rabbit was dead and she was hungry. She had not realised yet but that hunt changed her further. It took away the last glimpse of emotion she had. She was tired and she definitely had enough. She felt like she couldn't get more broken than she was.  
She sat down and started a fire. Once it was fully settled, she turned her attention to the little furry animal and used the spear to skin it. She used another twig to pierce through the rabbit and held it over the fire. It was starting to look like it was almost done and Clarke was really hungry at that point. She got a big leaf to use as a plate, put some nuts and fruits on it together with the cooked rabbit. She was getting ready to start eating when she heard a noise coming from the trees behind her.  
  
She got up in a second drawing her gun, looking around. She was sure there was someone there. When she turned to check the other side of the woods, she felt the presence. Someone was standing right behind her. It was too late, she thought. She was careless. And before she could turn again to see who that was, she felt the weight of something smashing against the back of her head and a sharp pain. She felt her body falling down and everything went black before she hit the floor.  
  
\---------------------------  
  
Clarke started waking up but she had no idea how long she was out. The pain on her head was excruciating and she felt dizzy. Slowly, she opened her eyes and moaned at the pain. But she couldn't see anything. She tried to take in what was going on. She tried to move but she couldn't as ropes tied her hands behind her back. She was sat on a chair and her legs were also tied. On her head, a black cloth stopped her from seeing anything around her and another piece of cloth in her mouth stopped her from making any noise. She moaned again and tried to move from the chair. She couldn't see where she was but she could notice it was sheltered and dark. Her heart started racing and she felt her breathing also speeding up as she tried to release herself from the ropes that tied her down. A mix of feelings flooded her mind. She didn't know what was going on and who would do that to her. It couldn't be the grounders, they knew who she was. This was someone else's work, but who? She shook her head, trying to focus and the pain hit her again. She moaned and tried harder to escape, with no success. After a few minutes, she heard someone walking towards her. They stood in front of her and poked her on the shoulder. She flinched to the touch and the person stepped back.  
  
"She is awake! Get the general!" A male voice echoed in the air.  
  
A few seconds later, the blonde heard more people approaching her. Once more, there was someone stood right in front of her but this time she could tell there was more people around. She was in big trouble, she could feel it.   
  
Suddenly, the black cloth on her head was removed and Clarke was surprise with what she saw as she quickly looked around. There was five people in the little tent she was in. Four men and a woman. She was very tall, blond and had big blue eyes. She had some sort of white painting on her face, which much resembled the war paint she saw on the face of the grounder warriors. The men looked in fact like warriors. They wore heavy gear and not very friendly faces. They all had blonde hair and showed scars on their faces. She brought her attention back to the woman in front of her, who seemed to be studying carefuly each of Clarke's movements and reactions. After a brief moment, the woman finally spoke.  
  
"Hello, Sky Princess. I am General Brynjar." The woman said. "You don't look afraid." The general stepped closer and her face was inches away from Clarke's. "You should, however, be afraid right now because, when I'm done with you, you won't even be able to feel afraid. In fact, you won't be able to feel anything at all. The only thing left will be pain." She threatened.   
  
Clarke noticed how empty the general's eyes were. There was nothing there. No fear, no compassion, nothing.   
  
"Christen, cover her up. We start at first light." She said to one of her warriors who started to cover Clarke's head with the same black cloth. The general looked back at Clarke before turning to exit the tent and, with a strong voice, she warned.  
  
"Enjoy your night, Clarke from the Sky Tribe, as it might be your last. When the sun rises, you will learn the ways of the Ice Nation." 


	4. Rumors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lexa has to deal with a new problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So, I had chapter 4 ready so I thought that I should publish it already! So maybe I'll publish another one on Sunday, let's see how it goes!  
> Once again, thank you so so so so much for all amazing feedback, you guys are too nice to me!  
> Also, thank you once more to my beautiful betas who are on the side of the world helping me so much!  
> I'll put a little glossary of the Tridegasleng in the end of the chapter to make it easier!  
> Don't forget to let me know what you think of this one! I'm once-upon-a-sasss on Tumblr! :)

Chapter 4 - Rumors

Lexa

Lexa left the derelict building where she lived heading towards the centre of the city. It was not a very long walk and the Commander enjoyed being amongst her people. Always followed closely by at least four guards, the Commander stared to make her way. While she walked, she was stopped by a few children that were playing on the side roads.

"Heda! Heda! Thank you for bringing my daddy back! I missed him so much!" A young girl spoke with her head lowered in respect.

Lexa looked at the little girl with kind eyes and lowered herself to face the child.

"You are very welcome, child. I will always protect my people." She got up again and turned away from the children carrying on her way to the city centre.

The encounter with that kid was what she needed, she thought. Any doubt she had about her actions in Mt. Weather were gone. She did the right thing. She saved her people and took them back home safe. She couldn't have done anything different. Her people will come first, always. She tried to push her conflicts and weakness to a dark corner of her mind because she knew that what haunted her was not the decision she made to save her people, but the fact that she betrayed someone. She betrayed the only person to whom she let her commander mask fall. The only person, after Costia, who made her _feel_.

She knew that her betrayal went deeper than she managed to show. She only got her people back because of Clarke and her friends. The Sky People infiltrated in the mountain and shut down their defenses. The great grounder army threatened the mountain men and that's why she was offered a deal. None of that would have been possible if it wasn't for Clarke. And yet she did it. She left her.

She tried to shake off those thoughts as the task ahead demanded focus. She walked a few minutes longer and saw the big main building by the end of the narrow road she was walking on. It was a remarkable building. One of the very few that didn't have its facade destroyed. Tall and round, the building chosen to be the place for meetings and planning represented all that Polis had become since Lexa took command. Stron and big, the Commander liked to think that the place was once important to the people who lived there many years ago.

She took a deep breath to clear her mind and entered the building. When she reached the main room, everyone inside stood up to greet the commander. She motioned with her head for them to sit down and took herself a seat by the centre of the big rectangular table. Sat on her right, Indra greeted her commander with a respectful nod. On her left, an empty seat reminded her of the abcense of Gustus, one of her most loyal generals. Lexa looked at the empty chair with sadness. She still couldn't face the fact that she was betrayed by her own people. It hurt her grandly to take his life, but a lesson had to be taught to her people - you don't betray your commander and live to tell the tale. That reminded her of another hard task: choosing a new general. It wouldn't be easy, she thought, but it had to be done.

Other generals and advisors occupied the chairs up to the edges of the table and behind them, warriors stood near the wall, always guarding the commander.

On the other side of the table, sat on the chair in the middle, was a woman with strong features. She was tall and strong looking, her skin was golden brown and her hair was as dark as her eyes. By her sides, a few men and woman respectfully lowered their heads in respect. Lexa looked at the woman and greeted her with a nod.

"It's good to see you, Nicola."  
"Heda, mounin houm." The woman bowed her head. "The Sea Clan rejoyces. Many people of our tribe were held captive in the mountain and you brought them back to their families. We will be forever grateful."

Lexa smiled politely and nodded.

"This is what we do, Nicola. We protect our people. Now, I assume you are planning a new journey to the sea soon, is that correct? I've been told our food storages are running low and soon, hunting won't be the best option as the white season approaches."  
"Yes, Heda. I have a few ideas that I would like to discuss with you, including the fishing trip. " Nicola said, carefully choosing her words. "I would like to propose a scout mission to the White Lands. My captains have got some information regarding the Ice Nation. It seems like they are planning a new attack."

Lexa breathed deeply. She knew she couldn't be careless with the Ice Nation. Even though she managed to send them back to their land, the losses from that battle still didn't heal. She urged for the day she would have her revenge against their queen. But she knew as well that she couldn't risk the life of good warriors on just a rumor.

"And what exactly are you planning?" Lexa asked.  
"We can send two vessels instead of just one. One of the vessels will focus on the fishing task while the other will go further north, to the White Lands. I want to send 200 warriors on this scouting mission and another 100 to the fishing task. The winds are in our favour, I believe we won't lose any lives to the sea."  
"The sea is treacherous, Nicola, you should know better than that. You can't be sure lives won't be lost. In fact, you don't even know if the vessel will reach the White Lands or if the sea will claim it before it gets there."  
"That is true, Heda. But I believe we shouldn't take this risk. We should try to get the advantage in case they are really up to something."

Lexa leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms. She studied the expression of the leader of the Sea Clan and thought about what she said. She then grabbed her dagger and started playing around with it. Somehow, holding her dagger helped her think. She twisted and turned it around her fingers, looking at her own reflection on the blade. The Ice Nation was indeed not to be taken lightly, but at the same time, it was just a rummor. She lost too many warriors too recently while her people were still at war with the Sky Tribe. At the same time, she was aware of how much a war with the Ice Nation would be important to her. She knew that her emotions would either give her victory or take away her life. She lost too much for them, they took the last drop of feeling she had. She killed so many of them, too many to know for sure, but she never reached the queen, the woman who took Costia's life. It was a hard decision, she knew that, but she would do what she though was the best for her people, that was her responsibility, the reason why the Spirit Commander chose her. Looking at her reflection on the blade, she replied to her general.

"We can't afford that many lives, Nicola. It is not wise to send 200 warriors to a mission that can kill them all. "  
"Heda, wor ste komba raun! We must make sure we stop it before it reaches us!" Said Nicola, seeming unhappy with Lexa's response.  
"Wor ste nou komba raun!" Lexa sank her blade against the wooden table with force. She rose her eyes to meet Nicola's. Her voice was stong and challenging. As if she was daring the Sea Clan leader to question her decision. "War is not coming, Nicola and I am not wasting 200 lives over a rumor!"

Lexa looked at her general with piercing eyes. This matter was not up to discussion anymore. She made her decision. She knew that the Ice Nation was dangerous but if they were really planning an attack, having those warriors near their villages would be much more useful than having them far away. Other than that, there was no guarantee they would even reach the White Lands shores.

"You can send 100 for the fishing task. Our people need food, not funerals. Arrange for your 200 warriors to patrol the villages. Any sight of movement from the Ice Nation or any other enemy are to be reported to me. This is my final decision. Is that understood?" Lexa sat down again while she spoke, removing the dagger that pierced the wooden table and putting it back in its sleeve.

Nicola sighed and looked down. Her commander made a decision that she didn't agree with but she was forced to oblige.

"Yes, Heda. It's understood. I'll make the arrangements. The winds tell me that a small storm is on its way to the shore. The firshermen will be ready to leave as soon as it's passed. I will personally make sure our food storage is full as soon as possible. I will as well select my best warriors to patrol the villages and any changes will be reported to you. The Sea Clan appreciates the time you gave us to discuss these matters."

Lexa nodded as Nicola and her advisors got up and made their way to the door. The Commander sighed heavily as she saw them leaving. The Ice Nation was a subject that disturbed her more than any other. She knew that she really wanted her revenge but at this point she wondered if it would mean anything.

"Jus drein, jus daun." She said to herself as she grabbed her dagger again and looked at her reflection on the blade. Her eyes were sad and empty and she wondered if the reason of her sadness was still the same from a few weeks before. She thought about how everything changed inside of her. How all she thought she could do regarding her feelings went completely wrong. She thought that if these rumors had started before the Sky People appeared, she would have taken the chance and probably would have gone to the White Lands herself. She thought that she would probably take any chance to repay the blood that was spilled by the Ice Nation. But that was then, she thought. And the decision of not sending any warriors there was proof of it. She has changed.

The Commander was feeling tired. She asked Indra to leave her and her guards to stand outside the door. She needed to be alone, that was the only way she could deal with what was going on inside of her. It was like everything was repeating. She let herself be taken by her feelings and that only led to bad decisions, pain and loss.

"Hodnes laik kwelnes." She said to herself again. "Love?" She questioned.

She got up and walked to the window. The sun started setting and a massive sadness took over herself. She couldn't take this anymore. She knew she did the right thing and yet the fact that her decision hurt her more than she thought was enraging. Still with her dagger tight against her fingers, she took a deep breath and hit the wall as strong as she could. She needed to take control. She needed to keep her emotions at bay, but she knew it was a very hard task.

"I can't love her. I don't deserve to love her." She lowered her head when a single tear rolled down her eye, as if she was trying to hide it even though there was no one there to see it. She looked up to the sky and thought that even though Clarke was probably dead, she still wished she could see her again. She wished she could feel her lips again, she wished that things were different. Looking at the first star, she said a sad prayer.

"Love is weakness, and you made me weak, Clarke. I hope you can forgive me one day."

Lexa sighed deeply as a new tear started to creep down her cheek. She brought her hands to her face, ready to let it all go when she heard the door opening. She quickly stood up, wiping the tears away and taking a deep breath, letting the Commander mask take over again. She turned to see Indra starring at her with confused eyes.

"What do you want?" She said with no glimpse of emotion in her eyes.  
"Heda, I..." She noticed that Indra hesitated, her general intended to mention something about what she just saw but as she looked at the woman with piercing eyes, Indra knew that what she saw was to never be mentioned. "I... wanted to let you know that the Sea Clan is getting ready to leave. Should I gather some warriors to escort them out?"

The Commander walked towards the door without losing eye contact with Indra.

"I will escort them myself. Warn my guards, we are going to the city walls."

She walked out the door with her head full of thoughts, but of one thing she was now certain. After Indra caught her off guard, weak and vulnerable, she realised that as the Commander, she had a duty to her people. She could not allow herself to be weak. She had no right to love anyone other than her people. She could not let herself feel anything that would distract her from her duty. And that, she thought, was all she needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heda, mounin houm. - Commander, welcome home.  
> Heda, wor ste komba raun! - Commander, war is coming!  
> Wor ste nou komba raun! - War is not coming!  
> Jus drein, jus daun. - Blood will have blood.  
> Hodnes laik kwelnes. - Love is weakness.


	5. Ai laik Clarke.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clarke get's tortured by the Ice Nation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING - PLEASE READ CAREFULLY  
> This chapter contains graphic description of torture. There is a lof of pain and blood and close details of each torture method. So please, if you feel like you can't handle that much detail, I strongly advise you to skip this one. I will, by the end of the chapter, leave a little summary so you don't lose track of what's going on but don't forget that if you choose to proceed, it's your responsibility.
> 
> Once again, thank you for the amazing feedback. I'm loving this ride.  
> And my beautiful betas, Din and Amanda, what would be of me without you??  
> I'm once-upon-a-sasss on tumblr, you can hit me any time!!

Chapter 5 - Ai laik Clarke.

  
Clarke

  
Clarke didn't sleep that night. Tied to an uncomfortable chair, a black cloth over her head barely let her breathe properly. Another cloth in her mouth and a million thoughts inside her head combined made her stay awake and alert the whole night. The feeling of the rope burning against her skin was almost unbearable. She tried to escape but the knots were really tight and the only thing she achieved was to burn her wrists to the point of breaking the skin. Her hands were sticky with drying blood and her fingers were numb.  
  
According to the Ice Nation General, this was her last night and she would probably be dead by the break of dawn. The conflict inside her head was overwhelming. She felt slightly scared but at the same time the numbness in her head stopped her from despairing. She had at least 5 hours to process the information and, at some point, she made peace with it. She knew she had nothing else to live for. She killed, hurt and betrayed people she loved and she was hurt deeply and betrayed by the one person she thought she could trust.  
  
Clarke had seen enough pain, enough blood, enough tears. She was tired and she had nothing left to lose. She was alone, she had nowhere to go, nothing to fight for. She thought that her people were better off without her. She felt like there was nothing else for her. She was done with everything. She saved her friends and she lost herself in the process. There was nothing left from the Clarke who left the Ark. That Clarke was dead and she didn't know this new Clarke. She didn't understand her decisions, her pains, her ways.  
  
She didn't know what to expect, what the Ice Nation's plans were and why it involved her but, at that point, she just didn't care anymore. Perhaps the idea of imminent death brought her a new understanding of things, she thought. She stayed awake the whole night thinking about how her life was about to end and she realized she was not afraid, she was in fact waiting for that moment to come.  
  
However, she couldn't help but wonder why the Ice Nation kidnapped her. She only heard of them once, on the day that Finn was cremated. Lexa had no reason to share her pain and vulnerability with her but still, she did. The Ice Nation had the person Lexa loved the most. Their love had been Costia's death sentence. Clarke remembered the sorrow on the Commander's voice and eyes as she described how her lover was tortured and killed and how that was the final straw for Lexa to get rid of all her emotions.  
Clarke was brought back from her own mind by someone entering the tent. A few people got in there, she could tell by the noise. She lowered her head waiting for the end. Maybe that was it. Maybe they would just kill her and end her numbness.  
  
She heard something being said in a foreign language and the sound of someone walking towards her. After a brief moment, she felt the air escape her lungs as she was hit with freezing cold water. She couldn't breathe, it was so goddamn cold, like nothing she ever felt before. Her hair and clothes got instantly soaked and she felt the tips of her fingers and toes starting to get numb. She tried to control her fainting breathing as she still had a cloth in her mouth.  
  
"Good morning, Sky Princess." Clarke recognized the voice of the Ice Nation General.  
  
The woman removed the cloth from her head and look at her eyes. Clarke looked back at the strong blue eyes and took a deep breath when the cloth that was in her mouth was also removed.  
  
"Cold, isn't it?" General Brynjar asked in a sarcastic way. "The White Lands are colder than this. And tell me, Clarke, do you think you would survive there? Do you think you would be able to live a normal life when it's always so cold you can barely breathe?"  
  
Clarke had no idea where this was going. The general was speaking while walking around the tent but she didn’t seem to have a point. She didn't quite understand what was her goal and why she was asking those questions. She just observed while the woman paced around.  
  
"And yet, for almost 100 years, our queen and those before her managed to keep us going. We have been surviving and thriving like true warriors. In the cold and never ending white, we raise our children to be strong and resilient. We are survivors, Clarke."  
  
The General stood before her with a threatening smile. Clarke looked back at her wondering if her confusion was showing. She still had no idea what was going on, but the Ice Nation general didn't seem to care and continued talking.  
  
"Our queen believes, however, that is time for us to reach warmer lands. For almost a century we live forgotten in the ice and we had enough of it." The woman's smile was even more broad. She lowered her back to look Clarke in the eyes. "There is only one thing stopping us from coming to this land. Do you have any idea what that is?"  
  
Clarke kept looking at Brynjar, not quite sure if she was supposed to answer or if it was a rhetorical question. Suddenly, she felt the weight of the general's hand on her cheek. The woman slapped her across the face with such strength, it drew blood from her lips and made her feel dizzy. Clarke didn't see that coming, she closed her eyes in pain and surprise.  
  
"Answer me!" The general demanded.  
  
Clarke turned her head and faced the woman. Her eyes were empty and her face started to get swollen.  
  
"No. I have no idea." She said, with no emotion in her voice.  
  
The General laughed at Clarke's answer, which made the girl even more confused.  
  
"Not long ago, a child was chosen as the Commander of the Tree People. My queen had everything planned to come to this land when she took command. She ruined everything. The Tree People were practically in civil war. The 12 clans did not walk together and everything was perfect for an attack. They were weak and would not be able to hold us back." Clarke could notice rage growing within Brynjar's words. "The new commander did what seemed impossible. She united the clans and brought stability to the Tree People. We attacked anyway. Our queen believed that the alliance was fragile."  
  
Brynjar started pacing again, walking from one side to the other of the tent. Clarke absorbed her words, paying attention to everything. For some reason, she felt compelled to understand the story of the Commander of the Tree People.  
  
"We lost half of our warriors. That child had more influence on the Tree People than our queen believed her to have. Under her command, the Tree People destroyed many of our families and our dream of a better life. But that didn't come cheap to her. We took something she valued more than anything. My queen believed that her lover would give us all the information we needed to bring her down. But the silly girl didn't give us anything. Half of our warriors were dead and our chance to come to warmer lands was destroyed. So our queen decided to take something from her."  
  
The general stood in front of Clarke once more, again with a smile on her face. This time, Clarke could only see evil. Brynjar showed with her eyes and tone that she had no regret on whatever her queen had done. The tall woman came even closer, her face just inches away from Clarke's.  
  
"I wish I could have seen the Commander's face when she received, as a gift from the Ice Nation, the head of her lover. I wish I was there to see her when she unraveled the contents of the box that showed how we made her lover suffer, until the last second of her life. I wish I was there to see her when we took her happiness away from her."  
  
Clarke couldn't think. She felt utterly sick and disgusted. She felt the sickness coming up her throat and becoming anger. How could they? She understood now why Lexa was the way she was. She understood what the Commander went through. The Ice Nation didn't get what they wanted and because of that they decided to take away Lexa's happiness. Clarke couldn't stand the look in Brynjar's eyes. The woman was proud of her queen's deeds, she was proud of taking away someone's source of life and joy. She couldn't remember ever feeling so sick and angry. The general's face was only a few inches from her so she let her anger take over. Without thinking twice, Clarke spat on Brynjar's face, covering the woman with spit mixed with the blood from her cut lips. The rage was flowing through her veins and it felt good to show how much she despised what their people did.  
  
"You make me sick." Clarke said in a very serious tone.  
  
Brynjar closed her eyes wiping the bloody spit from her face. She looked back at Clarke and this time the girl could see rage on the general's eyes.  
  
"Wrong answer, Sky Princess." The general said in a calm tone.  
  
A second after, Clarke saw the woman's closed fist approaching her face really quickly. The pain she felt when it hit her was like no pain she had felt before. She felt her nose being broken and the warm, crimson liquid flowing freely from it. She, however, tried to not lose eye contact with the enraged general, who was raising her hand to throw another punch.  
  
The second hit was even stronger than the first and after the sharp pain hit her, Clarke felt everything going dark.  
  
\--------------------------------  
  
A strong and sharp head pain brought Clarke back and, as she started opening her eyes, she once again felt the cold. She was dizzy and disorientated and for a second she forgot where she was. But the feeling of her hair and body being covered in ice cold water again brought her memories back. It was colder than before and she felt the wind cutting through her skin as the water ran through her body.  
  
She wasn't tied to the chair anymore. She was standing up with her arms tied up from her wrists. She looked down and saw why she felt colder than before. Her jacket and shirt were ripped off and laid on the floor next to her. Her stomach and breasts were exposed and the cold of the water was almost unbearable.  
  
The same group of people was inside the tent, and General Brynjar stood behind a little table that was between them. She watched as the woman removed a long cloth from the table top, revealing many knives and hatchets along with pieces of vine with nails tied to the ends and other tools she had never seen before. She turned her attention to the general who grabbed a small dagger and started walking towards her.  
  
"I really thought that a girl born and raised in the sky would have some manners." The general had her sarcastic smile on her face. "But interrupting me in such rude way was... well, it was not very smart." Brynjar played with the blade, getting even closer to Clarke. "My queen believes that is time for us to try again. We deserve to live in the warmth and we will not give up until we get what we want." She said, angrily.  
  
"And when we see a chance, Clarke, we take it." She stood right in front of Clarke and bended down so their eyes were leveled.  
  
"And imagine our surprise when we realized that our chance, Sky Princess, was you."  
  
Clarke was confused. Why would Brynjar say that the Ice Nation's chance of getting out of the icy White Lands was her? She didn't understand what was her place in that and what they were trying to achieve. She noticed that her confusion was showing as the Ice Nation's general laughed.  
  
"Oh Clarke, you don't understand, do you? Well, don't worry because I'll explain it all to you." The general grabbed a chair and sat right in front of Clarke, never putting down the dagger.  
  
"Our queen has eyes and ears everywhere and, you see, when she got the intelligence that a large army formed by the warriors of the 12 clans of the Tree People was gathering around Mount Weather, she saw that as the perfect moment to collect more information about their commander."  
  
Clarke's eyes opened wide. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She couldn’t understand how a spy managed to infiltrate the alliance and wondered if Lexa was really oblivious to all that.  
  
"Yes." The General saw the surprised eyes of Clarke. "We sent one of our own to secretly join her army and the information he brought back was really, really interesting." She stood up, getting closer to Clarke once more.  
  
"So yes, Clarke, we saw how you and that child got along well and how she bent to your requests and ideas. We saw how she was willing to kill her own people to protect you and our queen decided that she can use you almost the same way we used that other girl, the one she loved." The general touched Clarke's face with the end of the dagger's blade.  
  
"Maybe you will be smarter than her and tell us what we want to hear. You should see this as a chance of revenge, Clarke. If I'm not mistaken, that girl betrayed you, didn't she? She left you alone when you needed her the most."  
  
"Fuck you!" Clarke said, enraged.  
  
She didn't care what could happen to her. She refused to be used as bait for Lexa or anyone else. She knew she had absolutely nothing to lose and it wouldn't make a difference to anyone if she was alive or dead. She never broke eye contact with the general, who was visibly enraged.  
  
"Wrong again, stupid girl." Brynjar smiled dangerously and moved the blade from Clarke's face to the base of her neck. She stopped inbetween her collarbones and started putting pressure on it, enough to break open her skin, tracing a red, dripping line of blood where the blade touched it. She slowly cut her skin down between her breasts to the middle of her stomach. Clarke cringed but didn't give in to the pain. She felt her skin being sliced and her blood starting to slowly drip down her stomach. The cut was only deep enough to not endanger her life. Clarke forced herself not to blink or flinch. She was starring right into the General's eyes, who pulled back the dagger and placed it on the top of the table.  
  
Brynjar motioned her head to someone behind them and approached Clarke again.  
  
"Our queen does not want to risk losing half of our army again, so we need more information before we attack." She crossed her arms and stood before Clarke.  
  
"Now tell me, Sky Princess, how did the Commander and yourself manage to escape that missile hit? How were you both still alive after that? I’m pretty sure the Alliance Council would not like at all if they found out that their Commander knew about it and still let a whole village burn to death."  
  
"Fuck off. Why don't you go ask the Commander yourself?"  
  
The general motioned again with her head and the next thing Clarke knows is pain. Behind her, a warrior lashed her back with the vine full of nails. She felt her flesh being cut open and couldn't stop the guttural scream of pain. The feeling was like a thousand blades stinging her back at the same time. It was like all was on fire and it was intense. She could feel every single one of the nails tied to the end of the vide scraping her skin open.  
  
Brynjar took a small blade from the table and approached Clarke. Before saying anything, she motioned again to the warrior behind them who lashed once more, making Clarke scream again.  
  
"Don't be stupid Clarke. We know that there are secrets that can bring the Commander down. We know how long it takes for alliances to be built and how some secrets can bring them down in a second. But you would know all about it, right? You know how it feels to be betrayed by the Commander. I just wonder what would happen if more people felt betrayed by her. Believe me, Sky Princess, you will help us, whether you want it or not."  
  
Clarke thought about the moment Lexa left and a sharp pain ran through her chest. She did feel betrayed but at the same time, at the moment, when she was thinking about secrets and trust, she wondered what Lexa would have done if she found out the truth about Anya. If she knew that Anya did not die in battle but with a bullet that came from her people. She wondered if the alliance between the Sky People and the Tree People would have ever happened.  
  
Clarke's head was numb and clouded. She could only feel pain. She could feel that her ending moment was coming; she could feel the cold hands of death touching her. She knew she had absolutely nothing more to give or to lose so she smiled and spat blood on her kidnapper again.  
  
"Why don't you go fuck yourself and run back to your icy shit land?"  
  
Clarke could feel the blood flowing freely from all the cuts and lashes. She looked at the General with nothing in her eyes. No pain, no fear, no regrets, nothing. She was going to die there. There was no doubt about it in her head. She was going to die and nothing could change that so, she thought that she might as well piss them off.  
  
The general sighed and looked at the warrior again. Clarke closed her eyes as she knew what was coming. She felt the small nails slicing her flesh and her trousers getting saturated with blood. Brynjar used the small blade and started making small and slow cuts on her belly. Clarke could feel every millimeter of the blade penetrating her skin. The mixture of feelings of the cold metal against her warm blood was almost pleasant. She could feel the blood dripping from each small cut and gathering by her trousers, soaking the fabric. The General looked like she was enjoying every second of it. Clarke saw her walking back to the table and fitting something on her hand. The general walked back to her with her fist closed and her face straight and dangerous. She held her breath as she felt one more lash.  
  
"I guess we will have to skip to the next part of the plan, Clarke. As I told you, our queen does not really want war but she will kill every single one of them if her demands are not obliged. I told you we would do almost the same thing we did to the Commander's lover so, you can see today as your lucky day as I will not kill you, yet."  
  
The general threw a strong punch on Clarke's stomach. She felt the coldness of the metal knuckle against her bare skin and the warmth of the blood coming up her throat. For a moment, she lost her vision and she couldn't breathe but it all came back to her when she felt the lash on her back once more. She looked up with what was left of her strength, facing the general who were placing the knuckle back on the table.  
  
"You might as well kill me, you fucking bitch. Me helping your people is not an option." She swallowed the blood that was in her mouth and replied to Brynjar.  
  
The woman walked back to her and pressed her fingers against the open cuts on Clarke's skin, making the girl scream in agony. She took a few steps back and hit her on the face again.  
  
"You have no idea how easy it was to infiltrate in the Commander’s army, Clarke. And do you know what would be even easier? To kill her in her sleep." The general threatened and Clarke felt all her muscles twitching.  
  
"So unless you do not care about what happens to her, you will do as you're told." She grabbed the small blade once more and started cutting around Clarke's breasts. The woman looked mesmerized by the blood that dripped from Clarke's skin to the blade.  
  
"Not far away from here is Polis, the capital city of the Tree People." Clarke raised her head when she heard of the city. She was feeling dizzy and weak from the blood loss but she couldn't help but react when the general spoke of it. She remembered Lexa talking about it, inviting her to go there.  
  
Brynjar's face was once again only inches away from Clarke's. But this time the girl could barely see her as her vision was blurred by weakness and blood. Inflicting another cut on Clarke's body, she said calmly.  
  
"We believe that the Commander returned to the city after Mt Weather and, you will give her a message. You will show her what we will do to every one of her people if she doesn't step down and leave these lands, you will remind her of what we did to her lover and you will tell her, the Ice Nation is coming."  
  
Clarke felt the air leave her lungs as another lash came from the warrior behind her and at the same time, Brynjar's fist clashed with her face. She could feel the blood leaving her mouth in a splash and slowly, everything around her went black again.  
  
\------------------------------  
  
Clarke felt her senses returning to her slowly. She felt every inch of her body screaming in pain. She started remembering in flashes being released from the roped that strangled her wrists and falling on the floor. She remembered trying to open her eyes and seeing the Ice Nation warriors and their General around her. She remembered being kicked mercilessly and trying to protect herself from the hits. She remembered feeling her life trying to slip away and how that very moment felt so good. For a second, she felt her life hanging by a thread. There was no pain, no agony, just peace and silence. She remembered then someone saying that they were killing her. She remembered mentally cursing them for stopping as she wanted her pain to be over.  
  
She remembered being pulled back up and someone putting clothes on her. The clothes were big and heavy and she figured it belonged to one of them. Clarke looked around her and saw trees, she could hear the birds and feel the wind. She remembered being dragged out of the tent and over a horse. It all led to that very moment. She looked up and saw General Brynjar grabbing her by the arm and she felt a sharp pain as her skin was still bleeding from the cuts and lashes. The general stood by her side and pushed her towards a small track in between the trees.  
  
"Less than an hour from here, are the gates of Polis. You will be a good girl and give our message to the Commander. Don't even think about doing anything stupid, Clarke. We will be watching you."  
  
The general kicked Clarke's legs, making her collapse on her hands and knees. Clarke heard the horses and when she looked back, the general was gone and she was on her own. She tried to get up but she had no energy. She knew that she had lost, and still was losing a lot of blood and it was likely that she wouldn't even make it to Polis alive. But she remembered Brynjar's threat and she thought she didn't want to be responsible for the loss of anyone else. If she reached Polis and warned Lexa of the Ice Nation's plans, whatever happened after that would not be her responsibility anymore. If she didn't deliver the message, she could be the cause of more deaths of innocent people and she couldn't accept that.  
  
She crawled for what she felt to be forever through the track. She felt like she didn’t have a single drop of strength left and raised her head to see where she was. She felt her heart racing when she saw the big and mighty wall in front of her. The big gates were closed and on each side, a grounder stood guarding. She saw one of them pointing his bow and arrow to her and she used the last glimpse of energy to raise her body and head. She got on her knees and waited. She sighed deeply and looked up, trying to speak as loud as possible.  
  
"Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru en ai gaf sin yu Heda!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru en ai gaf sin yu Heda! - I am Clarke from the Sky People and I want to see your Commander.
> 
> In this chapter, Clarke is presented to the violent ways of the Ice Nation. She is beaten up and tortured by General Brynjar. The General tells Clarke that the Ice Nation will attack again as they want to live in warmer lands. She tells Clarke how they killed Costia, infiltrated in Lexa's army and now they know of their proximity. The general threatens Clarke and demmands her to give Lexa a message: "Leave or prepare for war." She leaves Clarke near Polis, on the edge between life and death.


	6. Fallen Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke manages to get to the gates of Polis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!!!  
> Thank you so much for all amazing feedback! Honestly, it makes my heart melt, you are the best!! I'm having so much fun writing this story and I'm really glad you are enjoying it!! Prepare your hearts and souls because the plan is to get them shattered! I hope you enjoy it! :)  
> And again, thank you again to my betas! I love you guys!  
> My tumblr is once-upon-a-sasss!

Chapter 6 - Fallen Warrior  
  
Lexa  
  
The sun was starting to rise when Lexa opened her eyes. She got up from her bed and walked towards the little balcony outside her bedroom. The sky was covered by dark clouds as the storm mentioned by the Sea Clan leader two days before was starting to settle in.  
  
She got back inside, heading to the chest where she kept her clothes. It would be a busy day and she wanted to start early. The representatives of four Clans requested a meeting with the Commander to discuss the hunting trips before the white season comes.  
  
One of the things that Lexa liked to take care of in times of peace was the way the Clans organized the hunts and patrols of the villages. She wanted to be aware of everything regarding her people. She wanted to make sure they were fed and warm. She wanted to be remembered as the Commander who looked after her people like no one before.  
She knew that a few people were not totally happy with her latest decisions regarding the alliance with the Sky people and the events in Mt. Weather. Her generals and advisors warned her about the unrest in some clans. They claimed that blood was not repaid when she did nothing about Clarke killing Finn herself or about the army stepping aside after the deal with the Mountain Men. They wanted revenge against those who harmed their people and that revenge never came. Jus drein jus daun.  
  
She knew, however, that she did what she thought was right for her people and that her decisions were the best ones, the lesser evil, thelesser ones to avoid the loss of more lives. Her people knew that she was ruthless and she didn't expect anyone to challenge her decisions. She decided then to focus on being as close to her people as possible to make sure this unrest would settle down. She knew she imposed respect and admiration and she would carry on leading her people the same way. She knew that that's why the Commander Spirit chose her.  
  
Lexa heard the door to her balcony banging with the wind and went to close it properly when she saw a small group of warriors running towards her building. In front of them was Indra who entered the Commander's building leaving the others standing guard outside.  
  
She could feel that something was not quite right and wondered what was going on. Without wasting any more time, she finished dressing herself and stormed out of her bedroom at the same time that she heard the knocks on her front door.  
  
"Heda, yu gada kom!" Indra said as Lexa opened the door. She couldn't tell what the look in her general's eyes meant but she could see that the woman was distressed.  
  
"Come where, Indra? What is the cause of distress?" The Commander was confused and started to get worried.  
  
"To the gates. The guards are saying there is someone outside, wearing the Ice Nation's warrior clothes."  
  
Lexa felt Indra's words sink into her brain. She didn't want to believe that was truth. She breathed deeply and thought that it must be a mistake. An Ice Nation warrior would not be on their own in front of the gates of Polis. It would be extremely stupid. At the same time, she thought about the warnings coming from the Sea Clan. What if the rumors were true?  
  
She looked at Indra without letting the confusion show. With a strong voice she ordered her horse to be fetched and in a minute she was outside the door, hoping up on the animal's back, cantering towards the main gates of Polis, followed closely by Indra and her warriors.  
  
She ran past the guard on the bottom of the gate tower ignoring his reverence and went up to see with her own eyes this Ice Nation warrior. Her heart was racing and she felt a drop of sweat run down her forehead. She tried to not make eye contact with Indra as she thought the woman would be able to see her distress. When she got to the top, the guard had his bow and arrow pointed to the person outside, he was ready to shoot. She looked at the other side of the gate and saw the guard over there also pointing his arrow down. They just needed a word.  
  
"Heda, beda ai frag em op?" The guard asked without losing eye contact with his target.  
  
Lexa looked down and saw a person laid on the floor in front of the gate. There was no movement at all and she wondered if the warrior was dead or alive. It was indeed the coat of an Ice Nation warrior and she felt a cold sensation coming up her spine.  
  
Suddenly, the person started slowly moving, and Lexa froze. She looked at the guard, who pulled the string of his bow further back, ready to take the shot. Still looking at the Ice Nation warrior, she tried to identify the face that was now showing as they were kneeling. But all she could see was red. The face was covered in blood. She could, however notice that it was a woman.  
  
Lexa paid attention to every movement the girl made and slowly raised her hand, preparing her guards for the shot. The warrior outside the gates started to say something and the Commander felt her heart skip a few beats.  
  
_"Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru en ai gaf sin yu Heda!"_  
  
Her voice was faint and her body was struggling to keep standing on her knees. Lexa couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, her head was spinning and she felt all her muscles go numb. Then she heard the voice saying it once more, just a bit louder, as if the girl was using everything she had inside her to say those words.  
  
"Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru en ai gaf sin yu Heda!"  
  
That was no Ice Nation warrior. That was Clarke, covered in blood, wearing her enemy's clothes. She took a deep breath and stopped the guards.  
  
"No jomp op!" She said. "Chil doun!" She ordered, and the guards put down their bows.  
  
She started to make her way down the stairs and, passing by the guard on the bottom of the watch tower, she ordered the gates to be open. Lexa carried on walking towards the gates that started to open when Indra put herself on the way of her Commander.  
  
"Heda, are you sure this is wise? They might be waiting, hiding on the trees." She tried to reason with the Commander.  
  
"Shof op, Indra. Do not stand in my way."  
  
Lexa had piercing eyes and her general stepped aside, noticing that there was nothing she could say or do to make the Commander change her mind.  
  
The Commander stood in front of the gate that was slowly opening, a storm of thoughts inside her mind. She wondered what that all meant and mainly she wondered what had happened to Clarke. Why she was wearing the enemy's clothes and why she was hurt. She needed to know everything; she needed to make sure Clarke was alright. She needed to do whatever she could to make sure she would be ok, she felt like she owed that to Clarke and perhaps that was the time to pay for what she was done to the blonde. Maybe it's time to face her betrayal, to learn what happened after she left, to see if Clarke can forgive her. But at that right moment, the biggest urgency Lexa had was to reach Clarke and make sure she was ok, make sure her life was not in danger.  
  
She stepped outside the city and looked at the motionless body that laid on the floor. She looked around to try and see any threats but she couldn't see anyone. In fact, she couldn't see anything at all. It was like there was nothing around her but the girl laid a few steps away from her. She started approaching carefully; not quite believing in what was happening, feeling the cold in her spine getting stronger and the speed of her heart getting faster.  
  
She stood right in front of the girl and slowly lowered her body, touching the surface of the coat. The girl flinched at the touch, giving Lexa the courage try and move her so she could properly see her face.  
  
The sight made her feel sick. She felt like she could pass out any moment. She had a million images inside her head, like she was living the same hell from before once again. She reached her hand and softly touched the girl's face. She felt the fresh blood spreading on her fingers as the feeling of sickness grew bigger. She felt the air leaving her lungs as the girl slowly opened her eyes. She looked inside the once bright blue eyes and all she could see was a sad, dead grey. She wondered what happened, she wanted to ask so many questions, she wanted to pull her closer and protect her. She convinced herself that Clarke was dead, she made peace with that reality and now there she was, lying in her arms, looking in her eyes for what felt like an eternity.  
  
"Clarke?"  
  
Lexa's voice was failing. She couldn't really believe she was right in front of her. She didn't want to believe that was happening and at the same time she felt like a ton was taken off her shoulders. She was alive, but only just. She couldn't help but remember the day she saw Costia's head, sent to her in an act of cruelty by the queen of the Ice Nation. Clarke's face looked pretty much the same. Hurt, swollen, covered in blood. Only, Clarke was alive.  
  
"Lexa. I couldn't stop them. I couldn't..."  
  
Lexa brought her face closer the Clarke's to hear her faint voice but the blonde couldn't complete a phrase. She watched as the girl coughed blood and closed her eyes again.  
  
"Clarke, open your eyes, you cannot sleep now!" She lightly shook the girl, trying to keep her awake. She sighed in relief when Clarke opened her eyes again.  
  
"We have to take you to a healer right now. Save your strength, Clarke, we have to go now!"  
  
Lexa started to grab her firmly to pull her up. She looked at the open gates and motioned with her hear for a warrior to come. She started to say something to the warrior in Trigedasleng but stopped herself when she heard the blonde mumbled words that Lexa couldn't understand.  
  
"Clarke? Again, beja."  
  
She was trying to listen to the blonde and felt when she was trying to move her body, trying to breathe. She looked into Clarke's eyes that looked back at her, she could see that the blonde didn't have any energy left. She felt when Clarke took a deep breath and attempted to grip on Lexa's arm. She was using everything she had to say those words. Lexa could see the urgency in her eyes as if saying it was the only thing that mattered, the only thing important. She then puts her ear as close as possible so she could hear the words Clarke managed to say before passing out again.  
  
"They are coming."  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jus drein jus daun. - Blood must have blood.  
> Heda, yu gada kom! - Commander, you have to come!  
> Heda, beda ai frag em op? - Commander, should I kill her?  
> Ai laik Clarke kom Skaikru en ai gaf sin yu Heda! - I'm Clarke from the Sky People and I wish to see your Commander.  
> No jomp op - Don't attack.  
> Chil doun - Stand down.  
> Shof op, Indra - Shut up, Indra.  
> Clarke? Again, beja. - Clarke? Again, please.


	7. What am I doing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa takes Clarke inside Polis to be healed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again guys!  
> From this chapter on, there will be no exclusive POV.We will fluctuate between Clarke and Lexa when it fits. Since they will be pretty much in the same places at the same time, we can just play around with it and make it more dynamic!  
> I'll update the fic again on Easter Sunday so get ready!  
> Thank you again for the amazing feedback, you are the light of my life!  
> I'm once-upon-a-sasss on Tumblr, hit me anytime!

Chapter 7 - What am I doing?

Lexa ordered one of her warriors to bring Clarke inside the walls and straight to the little building on the other side of the city where the more experienced of the healers practiced. The man took Clarke's motionless body into a room in the back of the building. He looked extremely worried when saw the state of the girl. He placed her on a bed and gathered his tools and vials of medicines.  
  
"Zalik, beja, fis em op." The Commander asked the healer without taking her eyes off Clarke.  
  
"Em kwelen, Heda. She lost too much blood. What happened to the Sky Prisa?" Zalik, the grounder healer, asked.  
  
"Azgeda." She said with anger in her voice. She knew too many people had seen Clarke outside the gates dressed with the clothes of an Ice Nation warrior. She saw no point in keeping this information from him.  
  
Zalik grabbed a big container with water and a load of pieces of cloth and started removing Clarke's clothes. The blood was dry and it made the fabric stick to the girl's skin. The healer started to lightly pull it but even with the gentlest pull, as the fabric unstuck from her skin, her wounds started to bleed again. Lexa watched the blood drip from every part of Clarke's upper body and she felt her rage grow inside her chest.  
  
The man pulled another piece of fabric off, bringing Clarke back from darkness. Lexa froze as she saw the blonde twitching and she felt the air leaving her lungs when the girl attempted a faint scream. She saw Clarke opening her eyes and trying to pull away from the grip of the healer. Lexa noticed the confusion in the girl's eyes and quickly approached the bed to try and calm her down.  
  
"Don't fucking touch me! Don't touch me!" Clarke said weakly, trying to escape from the man's grip.  
  
"Clarke, do not be afraid. You are safe now." Lexa had urgency in her eyes, trying to make the girl stop moving as it was making the wounds bleed even more.  
  
Lexa held her gaze on Clarke's, reassuring her. She noticed the blonde's breathing slowing down and motioned for the healer to carry on. She saw Clarke closing her eyes again and thought that it would probably be best if the girl was not awake through this. She sighed deeply and left the room.  
  
Outside, she saw Indra stood by the door and nodded when the woman lowered her head in respect.  
  
"Did she say anything? Did she give any information, Heda?"  
  
"I believe that first we have to make sure she will not die, Indra. Zalik says she is weak and lost too much blood. Any questions asked now would be pointless. She is delirious and in a lot of pain."  
  
Lexa tried to hide the way she was feeling. She tried to not show the deep concern that hammered her brain. She didn't even think about asking Clarke any question, she just wanted to make sure the girl was out of danger. At the same time, the fire of rage that burned inside her chest was still there. She already had enough reasons to hate the Ice Nation and now, seeing Clarke covered in blood, with her life hanging by a thread, made her feel even more angry and thirsty for revenge.  
  
The Commander was brought back from her storm of thoughts by the sound of Clarke screaming. It was guttural, deep, painful. Lexa looked at Indra and turned to get back inside the room where Clarke and the healer were. What she saw when she entered made her feel like there was no ground beneath her feet. She clenched her jaw and swallowed dry and felt her skin burning with hate.  
  
Clarke laid on her belly and her bare back was exposed. The wounds were long and deep. There were so many, too many to count and after the dry pieces of fabric were removed, the blood was flowing freely, painting the bed crimson.  
  
Zalik was using a piece of fabric to apply medicine on Clarke's wounds. On the back of the room, a fire was running with something boiling on it. The healer checked on the brew and got back to the girl lying on the bed. With every touch of the cloth soaked with medicine, Clarke screamed and, with each scream, Lexa felt her soul hurt.  
  
Noticing the unrest on the Commander's eyes, Zalik tried to explain what he was doing.  
  
"I have to make sure there is no poison. This will clean the wounds and burn anything that can be poisoning her." He said as pressed the cloth on the blonde's back once more.  
  
Again, Clarke screamed in pain, but this time she started mumbling something after the scream. Lexa moved quickly and crouched near the bed, her face close to Clarke's whose eyes were opened but had no focus. She looked right at Lexa's eyes but the Commander noticed that Clarke could not see her. She couldn't see anything. Lexa got closer to understand what Clarke was mumbling and the words she heard made her heart break a little.  
  
"Make it end. Please, make it end. Kill me. Kill me."  
  
Lexa tried to hold herself together but she felt like everything around was crumbling. She kept looking at Clarke who suddenly focused her gaze on the Commander's. She was actually looking at her, straight inside her eyes.  
  
"Please." She pleaded in agony.  
  
Lexa clenched her jaw again. She couldn't take that. She wouldn't let Clarke die there. She sighed as the blonde closed her eyes again and Zalik started to cover up her wounds. He moved Clarke to a side position on the bed, making sure that the wounds on the front of her body that were already dressed, still held the bandages.  
  
Lexa felt sick again as she saw the number of bandages covering the front of Clarke's body. Again, too many wounds to count, too much pain. She heard Clarke moaning in pain as the healer placed folded pieces of fabric and pillows to keep her in that side position. Still following Zalik's every move, she saw him reaching the brew that was now cooling down near the fire and getting back to Clarke.  
  
"Drein daun." He said to the blonde while holding her head up and feeding her the brew.  
  
The Commander watched as Zalik put Clarke's head down on the pillow. She noticed the girl opening her eyes again and meeting her gaze. She didn't say anything, nor did Clarke. Lexa felt like the time had stopped and there was no one in the room other than Clarke and herself. She saw the blonde fight the weight of her eyelids. She sighed as the girl gave in to the exhaustion and started to move towards the door as Zalik continued to work.  
  
She walked across the building and went through a door on the left side. She didn't even look around to see if Indra was still there or anyone else. She couldn't see anything. There was so much pain and rage boiling inside of her. She needed to be alone. She needed to process all that. She closed the door behind her back and let her body collapse. She fell on her knees and hands, her breathing was erratic, she tried to inhale but it was like the air was not coming in. What was going on? She thought. Why would the Ice Nation do that to Clarke? Why did they expect to achieve? Did they think Clarke meant the same to her as Costia did? She felt a sharp pain fill her chest at that thought. Was she though? Was it possible that she had the capability of feeling that way again?  
  
Lexa stood up and looked around the room. It was almost empty, it didn't look like it was used much. Her breathing was still fast and sharp, she felt like the walls were closing down on her. She tried to close her eyes but the feeling of sickness wouldn't leave her body. She needed release, she needed peace of mind.  
  
She remembered Clarke's fainting eyes begging for that to end. The blonde accepted her weakness and she didn't want to feel pain anymore. Lexa didn't give this to her. She didn't accept that option, she didn't want Clarke to die so she didn't give the peace she wanted. Clarke didn't leave her to die when she was the weak one once. But that was because Clarke needed her. Lexa had no such excuse. Clarke had given her message, served her purpose. She knew that, in theory, she didn't need Clarke. But still, she couldn't oblige, she couldn't even stand the thought of the girl not being alive. She didn't understand why and the confusion only made her even more angry. The only thing she knew is that she wouldn't let Clarke die, she couldn't, she didn't want to.  
  
She felt her hands closing in fists and her teeth grinding. She took a deep breath and felt her mouth opening and a strong scream leaving her throat. She could not control her body anymore. She walked across the room and reached a table in the center. Her rage had took over and all she could see was red. She felt her body grabbing objects and throwing against the walls but she had no control over it. She saw herself lifting the table in front of her and flipping it over, breaking everything that was on top of it. She felt her fist aching as it touched the walls repeatedly with force, to the point of making the old derelict wall crumble. She was panting and sweating. She brought her hands to the sides of her head walking backwards as if she was being pushed by some invisible force. She hit a wall behind her and fell on her knees once more, a long deep sob escaping from her mouth as her open hands touched the floor. She couldn't control her panting breathing and she felt the tears rolling out her eyes, dripping on the dusty floor.  
  
"What am I doing?"  
  
She asked herself in confusion, her voice drunk with tears, trying to control herself, knowing that her feelings were too strong to be fought in that moment.  
She pushed her torso up and sat on the floor, her back against the wall and her face buried in her hands. She started to control her breathing and stop the tears. She knew she needed to stay strong. Her people would need her, Clarke would need her, she had important decisions to make. She stared at the oposite wall with empty eyes, she needed to put the Commander mask back on, she needed to lead her people.  
  
She felt tired, she didn't want another war. She had seen far too much blood, far too much death. She didn't want to see her people dying again. That's why she left Clarke in Mt. Weather in the first place. To save her people. She knew that torturing Clarke like that was an act of war and she knew the Ice Nation wouldn't have done it their intentions were any different. They wanted war. The same way they wanted it before.  
  
She heard the door outside opening and closing and quickly stood on her feet. She felt lighter but still had a flame burning inside of her. She took a deep breath and walked towards the door to exit the room. Outside, Zalik and Indra were standing and they both paid respect as the Commander entered.  
  
"Now we wait." He said in a concerned voice. "If she makes it through the night, she will probably live. She was really cruelly tortured, Heda. I do not remember seeing anything like this since..."  
  
Lexa noticed how Zalik stopped himself from finishing the sentence. She saw Indra tensing her body and felt the air growing thick around them. The Commander knew what the healer meant to say.  
  
"Costia." Lexa said with hate and sadness in her eyes and in her voice.  
  
She noticed both Zalik and Indra tensed their bodies as they heard the Commander speak of her dead lover. She never spoke of it.  
  
"Heda, forgive me." The Commander saw the truth in Zalik's eyes. She knew he meant no harm when brought up the subject. It was indeed the truth. Such cruelty was only seen when Trigedakru and Azgeda were at war.  
  
Lexa felt every inch of her body burning. She felt like something inside her that was asleep for a long time finally awoken. She felt hate. And she did not intend to hide it. The Ice Nation was a real threat to her people and she knew she had to stop them.  
  
She looked back at Zalik and Indra and took a deep breath. Pulling her dagger out of the sleeve, she looked at her reflection on the blade and assured them of her intentions.  
  
"Wich in, ai na teik em au."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zalik, beja, fis em op. - Zalik, please, heal her.  
> Em kwelen, Heda. - She is weak, Commander.  
> Sky Prisa - Sky Princess.  
> Azgeda - Ice Nation  
> Drein daun. - Drink it.  
> Wich in, ai na teik em au. - Believe me, I will destroy them.


	8. Words like fire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is bitter about being left alone by Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter, guys!!!  
> Thank you everyone once more for all the loving words! This fic is slowly eating up my soul. And I like it!  
> I hope you are all enjoying this as much as I am.  
> I would like to leave a shoutout to my homie [maiesin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/maieisn/pseuds/maieisn) for the beautiful work she does as my beta. You! You cinnamor roll, too good for this world!!
> 
> In other news, I have a new fic, guys! If you want to have a little break from this crazy angsty and enjoy a light hearted modern AU, have a look at [Artists Love Better](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3679071/chapters/8135427)
> 
> I'm once-upon-a-sasss on Tumblr, hit me anytime!

Chapter 8 - Words like fire.

She felt her head buzzing. It was like her body weighed a ton and every attempt to move was painful. She decided to try to slowly open her eyes. It was dark and silent and confusion started to take over her head. She knew not where she was. The last memory she had was of Lexa's face.  
  
Polis, she thought. She made it. She couldn't believe that she was still alive. After so much pain, so much agony,she didn't think she would be capable of surviving all that.  
Without moving, she tried to look around, now that the darkness was familiar and the shapes started to be visible. Across the room, she saw someone sleeping on a chair. It looked uncomfortable. She pressed her eyes to see better and held her breath for a second when she noticed that it was Lexa. The Commander had her legs over one of the chair arms and her head was being held by her arm, balanced by the other arm of the chair. She breathed slowly and deeply, she looked in peace.  
  
Clarke felt light after realising that her message was delivered and she didn't hold the responsibility of the lives of the grounders anymore. At the same time, she couldn't stop but thinking that Lexa probably didn't know what she would be up against. Why would she help her, though? She thought. She didn't have her help when she needed the most. Quite the opposite, she was left alone to deal with the Mountain Men while Lexa and her army cowardly retreated. She couldn't help but feeling her chest tingling at the memory. She still didn't accept it and suddenly a wave of anger started to grow inside of her.  
  
She looked at Lexa again, as the Commander took a deep breath in her sleep. Clarke felt her thoughts flying away from that memory and landing on the moment when Lexa kissed her. She felt everything all over again. She felt thrilled, she felt wanted. She felt like she meant something to someone.  
  
The blonde closed her eyes trying to shake away the mixed feelings. Lexa betrayed her, she left her. That was the ultimate truth. She had tried to convince herself of that for so many days now. She was confused, she wondered why her mind would get back to the kindest memory she had of the Commander. The kiss, the way Lexa looked at her, the way she swallowed dry every time Clarke was near her. Why? She asked herself what did all that meant. She didn't understand what she was feeling. She decided that, at that moment, she had more urgent things to be worried about, like an imminent attack by the Ice Nation.  
  
She took a deep breath and looked around again. On the table near where she was laid, there was a small jar and a glass. She felt thirsty and decided to get up and get some water. The attempt was futile though as on the first movement attempt she felt bolts of sharp pain cutting through her body. She couldn't help but cringe and moan.  
  
Lexa opened her eyes when she heard Clarke. She jolted up the chair and approached the bed. Clarke moved her head and faced the Commander. The brunette's eyes were showing concern and confusion, as if she didn't know what to do or what to say.  
  
"I'm thirsty." Clarke managed to say, looking at the jar with water.  
  
Lexa instantly reached to the table and filled a glass with water. She motioned to feed it to Clarke but the blonde moved her arm, showing she would do it herself.  
  
"Let me help you, Clarke."  
  
"Help me sit, then. I think I can handle a glass of water."  
  
Lexa sighed and got closer to Clarke. She placed her hand on the base of the blonde's spine, giving her support to sit up. Clarke moaned with every movement but managed to do it. She grabbed the glass of water from Lexa's hand and took a few sips.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Lexa asked in a cautious tone.  
  
"Like I've been tortured." Clarke replied dryly, facing the Commander.  
  
Lexa held her gaze but didn't think of anything else to say. She was feeling lost in the blonde's eyes. They were still grey, still sad, still empty. She felt anger grow inside of her again. Clarke always showed emotion in her eyes, her emotions always flew out of her eyes and it was what made her strong, what made her the good leader Lexa knew she was. But now there was nothing. The Commander lowered her gaze and stared at the floor. She took a deep breath.  
  
"What...What did they do to you, Clarke?" She hesitated. She asked but she wasn't sure if she really wanted to know. She didn't know if she could handle the answer.  
  
Clarke looked at Lexa for a moment. She took in the question. She wanted to answer but she couldn't. It was too soon.  
  
"I... I don't remember." She lied.  
  
They stayed in silence for a moment, each one buried in their own thoughts. Lexa felt slightly awkward, she knew that, at some point, they would have to talk about what happened in Mt. Weather. Not only about the fact that she left, but she wanted to know what happened, how she survived, what happened to the Mountain Men and to her people. She was scared of how Clarke would be with her. She was scared of having crossing a line from where Clarke could not come back. She hoped she could be forgiven.  
Clarke stared at the floor, trying to control her thoughts. She hated how confused she was. She  remembered the dream she had in the woods, when her mum told her she hurt because she was betrayed. But she knew now that was not it. The betrayal hurt her, of course, but that was definitely not only it. She didn't want to name it, but she started to think she knew what it was. She took a deep breath and decided to break the silence.  
  
"That chair looked uncomfortable." She said, awkwardly.  
  
"After the first night you get used to it."  
  
"The first night? What do you mean? How long have I been out?"  
  
"Four days. You woke up a couple of times just for long enough to Zalik feed you and clean your wounds but you were not really awake."  
  
Clarke stared at Lexa with surprised eyes. Four days? She never thought she could sleep for that long. Looking down her body, she noticed her wounds were clean and dressed; some even looked like they were starting to heal. She was still in a lot of pain but she could move. She had vivid memories of the agony and excruciating pain she was feeling before, but right now it was bearable. She turned her attention to Lexa, who started speaking again in a sad tone. The Commander looked at the floor, as if she was scared to look at her.  
  
"We almost lost you, Clarke. You had a lot of fever though the first night and Zalik didn't think you would make it. I felt your life running through my fingers like water. I was losing you."  
  
Lexa looked up with eyes wide open. Just realising what she just said. It was like she couldn't keep the words to herself. She had to keep a straight face and attitude in front of Indra and Zalik but when it was just herself and Clarke, she felt like she had no control.  
  
Clarke just looked back at the Commander. Her confusion only grew when she heard Lexa's words. What did she mean? Why does she look so upset? It makes no sense. She left her. And she could still feel the pain of the moment when Lexa left. What if she did it again? She left her once, it wouldn't be hard to do it again.  
  
"Were you here the whole time?"  
  
"Mostly."  
  
"Why?"  
  
The question took Lexa by surprise. She wasn't expecting that. She stared at Clarke for a moment before replying.  
  
"I... wanted to make sure you were well." She replied, doubtful.  
  
"Why do you care? You didn't before."  
  
Clarke vomited the words. She was unable to control it. She was hurt and bitter; she wanted Lexa to see how hurt she was.  
  
Lexa felt Clarke's words like a spear cutting through her flesh. Every single word hit her like a rock, like her skin was being ripped off. She stared at the blonde speechless, not knowing what to say. She felt her eyes burning and tried her best to keep the tears that started to form hidden from sight.  
  
But Clarke was on a rampage. She felt her pain and her frustration taking over her body. She needed to share that pain, that sickness; she needed to show Lexa how much it hurt. She wanted the Commander to feel her pain.  
  
"Was it easy, Commander? To just turn your back and leave me and my friends there to die?"  
  
Lexa couldn't breathe. She couldn't take her eyes off Clarke's. The grey was still there but now they were fierce, they were angry, they were frustrated.  
  
"I told you that day, Clarke, I made the decision with my head, not my heart."  
  
"Do you even have a heart, Lexa?"  
  
Lexa couldn't hold it back anymore. She felt a tear run down her cheek and a second one following it. She looked down trying to control it but it was futile.  
  
"I did what I had to save my people." She started to raise her head to meet Clarke's gaze. "And no, Clarke. It was not easy. It was in fact one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make."  
  
Clarke knew that. Clarke could see it in her eyes that night. She understood her decision and she knew she would have done the same. But at that moment, that didn't matter. She couldn't stop, she needed answers. She realised that the pain in her heart was not getting any smaller with each piercing word she said to Lexa, she actually felt bad. But she needed to release that pain.  
  
"Save your people? Do you forget that we only managed to do that because of my people? If it wasn't for me, there will be no one for you to save. You said you cared about me then and you say you care about me now but still, you left. I had to deal with all that alone. I had to make decisions alone. I had to..."  
  
Clarke remembered the corpses. She remembered what she had to do. She remembered what she had become. She couldn't finish her sentence. It was too painful. She wanted to hurt Lexa but she realised she was hurting herself in the process. She didn't know why she was doing that. She didn't like doing it. She wanted to stop.  
  
Lexa just looked at Clarke, she had no control over the tears that were running down her face.  
  
"I..." She couldn't apologise. She couldn't say she was sorry for saving the lives of her people. She couldn't bring herself to say anything else though. She felt the words getting stuck in her throat. She felt the guilt of leaving Clarke alone making her tears run freely.  
  
"You what, Lexa? I knew you were a liar, but a coward?"  
  
Clarke spit her words like fire. And she saw Lexa burning in it. And it did not make her feel better. Which made her anger grow bigger. She breathed deeply, trying to move towards the Commander.  
  
"Say something!!!" She shouted as loud as her achy body allowed her to. Her voice was coarse, regretful.  
  
Clarke stared at the Coomander for a moment. Never before she had seen Lexa in such fragile state. She never imagined seeing the Commander shedding tears. She never pictured Lexa holding onto the edge of her chair as if that was the only thing keeping her from crumbling completely. She never expected to see so much pain in her eyes. She dared to think that the pain portrayed in the Commander's eyes in that moment was bigger than what she saw when the brunette spoke about the loss of Costia. She knew her reasons for doing what she did were legitimate. She didn't quite understand what was happening in her head. She needed to think. She needed to be alone. Clarke saw Lexa opening her mouth, as if she was about to say something. She wasn't ready for it so she stopped her from even trying.  
  
"Leave. If you have nothing to say, just go."  
  
Lexa pursed her lips stopping herself from forming any words. The Commander sighed and politely nodded. Much like what she did when Clarke stepped back from their kiss. She stood up and started moving towards the door.  
  
"Zalik will be back soon. He will give you directions to my residency should you need anything." She took a deep breath and stared at the floor, holding the door opened. "I did what I had to save my people."  
  
Without looking back, she left the room and closed the door, never hearing the words Clarke whispered.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
  



	9. Hurt me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke pays Lexa a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for the amazing feedback. You guys are the best! <3  
> I'll never be able to thank [maiesin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/maieisn/pseuds/maieisn) enough for all the help!   
> Enjoy!

Chapter 9 - Hurt me.  
  
Lexa slammed the door of her bedroom with force. She walked straight to the table that held her battle trinkets and swiped it all to the floor in rage. In a second, the chairs that surrounded table were sent flying to the other side of the room. She brought her hands to her face, tears flowing like a river as she released a scream from the bottom of her throat that sounded like a plea for forgiveness.   
  
"What have you done? What have you done?"  
  
She crouched down placing her head between her knees and cried loudly. Her heart was racing and her breathing was erratic; she was not trying to control it anymore. She was not trying to control anything anymore. She felt beaten up, lashed out. She felt like each one of Clarke's words were a sharp blade that cut her skin open.  
  
The Commander collapsed on the floor in a fetal position. Her sobs only grew deeper and louder. Clarke was right. She was a coward. She couldn't bring herself to say anything. She didn't want to apologise because she knew she did the right thing to her people but at the same time she couldn't stand what she had done to Clarke. Especially because of everything the blonde did for her. Not only Clarke made it possible for Lexa to save her people, but the girl did much more for her. And Clarke had no idea of how much. She reminded Lexa of something she had forgotten. She reminded her that she can be more than just the Commander and she can have more than just her people. She showed her that no, love is not weakness. That it can, in fact, be strength. Clarke's strength was in her emotions and that was what made Lexa start falling for her. It felt like life was a prison and Clarke was the key to the door. Like she was a ray of sunshine after a massive storm.  
  
"Why is this happening? How did you get inside my head?"  
  
She asked herself as if the sound of her own voice would be able to bring her the answers. She built a barrier. A strong wall. She never imagined it would be that easy to break into it.  
  
"Why do you have to be like this? So foolish, so difficult so... strong and wonderful..."  
  
She finished the sentence with a fainting voice anda little smile in the corner of her mouth. She knew Clarke was strong but, at the moment, in Mt. Weather, she needed her help. Yet, she left her. She looked into her eyes and turned away. She betrayed the trust Clarke gave her and left her to die. She felt angry with herself. She felt guilty. She deserved every single word Clarke said to her. They were true. She didn't deserve forgiveness, she didn't deserve love. She deserved only to hurt, to feel pain. She deserved the pain that Clarke's words inflicted upon her.  
  
"I don't know how to do this. I need help, I need your help! You did this, it's your fault!"  
  
Clarke awoken all those feelings that she battled so hard to keep at bay and now she doesn't know how to handle them all. It was like a broken dam, spilling all its water. There's no breathing, nothing. Just a storm of feelings. She had forgotten how is confusing to have feelings.  
  
And she was scared. Last time she allowed herself to feel and to taste anything other than her responsibility as Commander, she had her whole life bent and broken. Her love was taken away from her and she was scared of feeling that pain again. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle it. Part of her knew that she hurt so much because she wanted to feel again, but she can't properly bring herself to do it because the only memory she had was pain. Pain that was brought by feelings, by emotions. She forced herself to forget, to control, to ignore. She numbed herself, she erased any sort of spark that could bring her to feel. She was good at it. For a while she felt no pain. She felt nothing.  
  
But then Clarke appeared. And she ruined everything. The thick mask she sculpted so carefully was shattered in seconds. Clarke brought everything back. And she made the Commander realise how much she wanted that. Even with all the pain that scared her so much. She wanted to feel again.  
  
However, the responsibility with her people comes first. Her subjects wouldn't trust a weak leader. They needed her to be ruthless, decisive, certain. She needed to learn again how to balance it. How to lead her people wisely and at the same time, to be able to live her life as a whole. She needed to learn again how to be not only Commander Lexa, but also the girl Alexandria, who has hopes and dreams and needs.  
  
"I am no coward. I do what I have to do for my people! How dare you? How dare you acuse me like that? How dare you.... making me remember..."  
  
She crawled to the chest of clothes and opened it. Kneeling in front of it, she grabbed the shoulder piece that protects her in battle. She looked at it for several moments, the grip of her hand getting tighter on it. She clenched her jaw and pressed her eyes. With another sobbing scream she throws the piece across the room, a metallic clunk echoed as it hit the wall. The piece of armor was a symbol of all that she was and all that she could not be. And mostly, all that she wanted to be.  
  
She was so tired, exhausted really. She couldn't erase from her mind the look in Clarke's eyes. The pain, the sadness, the confusion. She remembered Clarke's blue eyes and how looking at them was like looking at the sky in a beautiful morning. She never knew is was possible to drown in the sky. Bur now, everything that those blue eyes showed her caused her pain.  
  
She caused it. She was the reason why the Sky Princess was hurting so much. And she knew she had to make things right. She just didn't know how. But she promised herself she would find a way. Clarke might even never forgive her because, after all, she knew she was not worth of forgiveness. She was not worth of anything. But she would try. And keep trying. Until the last day of her life.  
  
Lexa let her exhaustion take over and, drowning in her feelings, and laying down again, she let herself go. Her eyes closed and she felt darkness embracing her. Tears still rolled down her eyes when she finally fell asleep.  
  


* * *

  
  
Clarke felt her body being touched and opened her eyes in surprise. She moved backwards to avoid the foreign touch.  
  
"Calm down, Sky Prisa. I mean you no harm."  
  
Zalik had a peaceful expression and a calm voice. She looked at him for a moment and relaxed her body.  
  
"I just need to change this last bandage." He placed a clean piece of cloth around her torso and tied it with a knot. "All good now. How do you feel?"  
  
"Hungry." She didn't remember the last time she actually ate something.  
  
"Good. There is some food on the table. Can you stand up?"  
  
Clarke nodded. She slowly moved her legs to the edge of the bed and stood up. She still felt sore but it felt nice to move around. She sighed in relief when she reached the table and sat on the chair. She tried to move a bit every time she noticed that Zalik was gone.  
  
After she sent Lexa off, she found herself waiting for the Commander to come back, but she never did. Four days have passed and the blonde felt stronger but the sadness inside of her only grew. She regretted the words she said to Lexa. She knew it was too much. But she needed to make her feel the pain she was feeling. After all those days, she was still confused by the thoughts that haunted her.   
  
Maybe Lexa didn't really care, she thought. But if she really didn't, why would she look so devastated? Why would she cry?  
  
Clarke sighed and stared at the wall in front of her. She turned her head and noticed Zalik changing the cloths on the bed she was sleeping for clean ones and putting fresh water in the jar.  
  
"Mochof... Zalik?" She wasn't sure of his name, she remembered Lexa mentioning before she left. "For taking care of me."  
  
"Pro, Skaikru Heda." He said with a small smile. "When the Commander brought you in, I was not sure if I could help you. But you are strong, much like my Heda."  
  
"I am nothing like her." She said dryly.   
  
Zalik stared at her and smiled again. He brought his attention back to his tasks, bringing a plate with seeds and nuts to the table.  
  
"You must eat, Sky Prisa. You still need to get a lot stronger."  
  
Clarke just looked at him and nodded, turning her head back to her plate. She finished her meal and stood up. She felt like she needed some fresh air so she walked through the door on the back of the room that led to a small opening. She looked up to the sky and sighed deeply. Looking down her body, she saw her wounds healing rather fast and her bruises fading away. Like her body was trying to get rid of the memories.  
  
She wondered why Lexa didn't come back. She asked herself if she pushed the Commander too far, if her rage and the urge to inflict pain on her had crossed a line, made her retreat completely. She didn't want that. She wanted to talk to Lexa, she wanted to have her around. But she didn't know how to show her that. She could only show her pain.  
  
She felt like she has been waiting for too long. Looking down her body again, she thought about the threats of the Ice Nation General. She didn't know how long they had before the attack or even where would they attack first. Lexa still didn't know what she was up against. Clarke didn't have the chance to tell her the General's plans. For a moment, she felt like if she didn't do it, she would still be responsible for all those lives.  
  
"Will this ever end?" She said to herself in a sigh.  
  
She closed her eyes and tried to think for a minute. There was only one thing to do. And she needed to do it now. Lexa might hate her for everything she said but there was no time for that. She needed to warn the Commander. She needed to tell what she knew about the Ice Nation's plans.  
  
Walking back inside, she saw Zalik gathering his things, getting ready to leave again. She walked towards him, touching him on the shoulder to get his attention.  
  
"Zalik, teik ai gon Heda-de."  
  


* * *

  
  
The knocks on the door brought Lexa back from the trance she was in. Once again, she was being drowned by her feelings and those light knocks were like a hook that pulled her back up.  
  
She walked to the door and opened it. In a second, she felt her heart racing and her mouth going dry. She had to pull herself together. It took all she had to put her mask back on before stepping aside, making way.  
  
"Clarke. Come in."  
  
The blonde stepped inside and looked around. She thought it was a bit tattered for a residency of the Commander. She saw the shattered trinkets lying in a corner and a couple of broken chairs near the table.  
  
"I was sort of expecting a palace." Clarke said, still looking around, never facing Lexa.

"I do not need a palace." Lexa replied, facing the ground.  
  
Clarke sighed and turned to face the brunette who still stared at the floor.  
  
"We need to talk. About the Ice Nation."  
  
Lexa raised her gaze and motioned to the chairs. She set them in place and offered Clarke to take a seat. They both sat down and Lexa sighed. She tried to pick on something, anything that Clarke's eyes could be saying but there was nothing there. She thought she could see confusion but she was not sure. She was convinced that the girl hated her.  
  
"Talk." She said with an empty expression.

"They are planning a big attack, Lexa. They want to invade the lands. They didn't look like they were making empty threats."

"They tried to do that once, Clarke. We managed to send them away. If they try again, I will kill every single one of them myself."  
  
Lexa met Clarke's eyes again, letting her rage show.   
  
Clarke held the gaze for a moment, reading through Lexa's expressions. She was blinded by rage. If she went into battle like that, she would probably be killed. The thought of Lexa dying sent a chill down her spine. Still looking into her eyes, Clarke tried to talk sense into the Commander.  
  
"Lexa, they probably have a large army. It has been what? Almost ten days since they left me here? They are organising themselves. You can't just blindly throw yourself in for revenge."  
  
Lexa felt her blood boil. The Ice Nation could bring the worst out of her. How dare she say such things? They took everything away from her. They made her suffer in a way she didn't know it was possible. She felt like her soul was in pain. She felt like she was losing control over herself, over her words.  
  
"I cannot seek revenge? You have no idea what they did to her..."  
  
She looked down at the floor again. She felt the words leaving her mouth without anything to hold it back. She knew that was a mistake. But it was too late now. She felt hurt by Clarke's words but mostly by her own actions. She didn't really know what to do or say. She needed revenge. She needed forgiveness. But right now she realised that with those words, she only managed to make her forgiveness take a step back.  
  
Clarke held her breath and felt rage growing inside of her. How can she say that? Does she even know what she is saying? Clarke felt her eyes burning and every muscle of her body was tense. She stood up and walked towards Lexa. She stopped a few steps away, looking at the Commander with anger.  
  
"I have no idea? Are you fucking kidding me?" Clarke removed the jacket Zalik had given her, dropping it on the floor. She raised her shirt up to her neck, exposing the bandages on her torso. "Chek ai au." Her demmand in Trigadasleng made Lexa look straight into her eyes and down her body. The wounds were starting to become scars but they were there. Everywhere, like a constant reminder. "You asked me what they had done to me and I said I didn't remember. I lied, Lexa. I remember everything. Every single punch, every single stab, every single lash. Every piece of cold metal piercing through my skin, every drop of blood flowing. They used nails encrusted in vines, Lexa, they cut my body open so many times I gave up on counting." She watched as Lexa closed her eyes and clenched her jaw at the details. She snapped once more. "Look at me!" She said dryly, making the Commander raise her eyes, meeting hers. "Every threat, every sarcastic smile. I still feel it. I feel it every day, all the time. I know what they did to Costia. Not because you told me, but because they showed me." She opened her arms exposing even more her body covered in fresh scar tissue. She took a step closer, allowing Lexa to take in each single mark on her skin. She closed her arms and put her shirt back down, bringing the jacket back over her body. "I might be alive but I had to endure pain when death would have been easier, better. So don't you fucking dare saying that I have no idea."  
  
Lexa clenched her jaw. She held her breath, never blinking, never moving her eyes away from Clarke's. She slowly stood up, moving her hand to her belt and taking her dagger out of its sleeve. She took a step towards Clarke. Her mind was spinning fast. She knew she had gone too far. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't change what happened. She couldn't make it better. So she offered Clarke the only thing she had.  
  
"Jus drain, jus daun." She held the dagger by the blade, offering it to Clarke. "You have suffered."  
  
"Yeah? And whose fault is that?" Clarke asked in rage.  
  
"Mine. Your blood was spilled because of me. Would it make you feel better if you just hurt me? Would it ease your pain if you wound me the same way you were wounded?" Lexa held the dagger further close to Clarke. Offering it to her again. She was tired. She had made her decision, now it was in Clarke's hands.   
  
"Is that what you want?" Clarke's question was almost inaudible. Her voice was trembling and full of doubt.  
  
"It does not matter what I want. This decision is not mine to make." Lexa stretched her arm longer, the handle of the dagger right in front of Clarke.  
  
Their gazes were locked. They stood in silence for a moment studying each other's reactions. Clarke stretched her arm and grabbed the handle of the dagger. She pointed it towards Lexa and took a step forward. The Commander looked straight at her, she didn't move, she didn't blink, she didn't say anything. She accepted her fate. Jus drain, jus daun. She would give her own blood to repay Clarke's.  
  
The blonde took another step and felt the edge of the dagger's blade touch Lexa's body. She looked down at the point of contact. It touched her on the belly, over the vest the Commander was wearing.  
  
"I could kill you." Clarke tried to keep a straight face.  
  
She felt her eyes burning, she felt tears starting to pool. She couldn't do it. She didn't want to. She felt the first tear roll down her cheek. She looked back at Lexa who still had no emotion in her expression other than acceptance. She could see, however, the self loathing. She could see how the Commander wanted that to happen. Lexa knew what Clarke could do. She knew it from the beginning. Clarke thought that maybe that was what she wanted in the first place. But why? Her grip on the dagger started getting weak, trembling. And with surprise, she felt Lexa taking another step towards her. She looked at the brunette's eyes and, as she looked down, she saw the red starting to stain the Commander's vest. Her heart was racing, her mind was numb. That did not help. It didn't make her feel better. It only made it worse.  
  
Clarke released a small sob and dropped the dagger. She felt her legs getting weak and collapsed on the floor. She couldn't do it. She felt the tears running freely as she tried to stop them by closing her eyes. But there was nothing she could do. She needed to release her pain, and hurting Lexa was not the way to do it. She needed answers. She needed to understand.  
  
Lexa bent her knees and lowered herself to meet Clarke's eyes. She felt her own eyes being flooded by tears. She felt a glimpse of hope. Clarke couldn't hurt her. She felt like she could breathe again. She felt like she will have her forgiveness one day. Even though she didn't feel worthy of it.   
  
The Commander reached out and cupped Clarke's cheeks with her hands, raising the blonde's head, making eye contact again. They stared at each other for a moment, neither of them wanted to say anything. They shared silence and tears for what felt like an eternity.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath. Her voice was coarse and she stumbled through her words mixed with sobs. She looked deep inside Lexa's eyes.  
  
"Why? You made me believe that you cared, Lexa. You made me think that you... Why did you leave me?" Another loud sob left her throat as she lowered her head, feeling Lexa's hands on her face.  
  
The Commander pursed her lips, tears blurring her vision, she shook her head as she came closer to Clarke. Chastely, she placed a soft kiss on the top of the blonde's forehead and leaned her head forward touching the girl's forehead with her own, feeling her breathing and the salty scent of her tears. She whispered as if she was saying a prayer, as if she was trying to portray nothing but honesty.  
  
"I cannot and will not apologise for saving my people, Clarke. I wish I had found another way. I betrayed your trust, I hurt you then and I feel like I'm still hurting you now. I know I'm not worth of your forgiveness nor will I dare to ask for it."   
  
Lexa pulled her head back a few inches to look Clarke in the eyes. She meant every word she said but she wanted the blonde to see her silent plea for forgiveness. She wanted the Sky Princess to see how desperate she was to be weak and how scared she was to ask for it. They locked gazes for a moment and Lexa leaned her head back onto Clarke's, letting her tears run.  
  
Clarke felt each one of Lexa's words sinking inside her skin. She felt the sorrow, the guilt, the pain. She saw it all in her eyes. She felt the Commander's breath so close to hers. She liked the feeling. So did Lexa. And for a moment, there was nothing else. Clarke had many questions that needed answers, she had a lot to understand and Lexa felt like it was time for her to face her own feelings. She felt like she could do it with Clarke. For a moment, they just leaned against each other and breathed. For a moment, they allowed themselves to _feel_.


	10. Kom Wor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa attend to a council meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the awesome feedback, guys! I love you all!  
> And as always, thank you Din, for all the help!  
> I'm once-upon-a-sasss on Tumblr, hit me!  
> Enjoy!

Chapter 10 - Kom wor.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath and crossed her legs, facing the floor. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and watched as Lexa sat next to her, leaning against the bed. They remained silent for a few minutes, both immersed in their own thoughts.   
  
"I need answers, Lexa. I want to understand." Clarke finally said, facing the Commander.  
  
Lexa sighed, looking at Clarke. She knew she had a long path to go through before she reached Clarke's forgiveness, if she ever does. But she was willing to take that path. She was done fighting it, hiding it. She felt like, with Clarke, she could allow herself to put her mask down. She knew it would be painful, very painful, but she also knew that she caused Clarke's pain. She owed her that. She offered the girl her own life and Clarke spared it. Answers were the least she could give her to try and repair the damage she caused. She nodded, never breaking eye contact with the blonde.  
  
"Very well, Clarke. What do you wish to know?"  
  
Clarke looked inside her eyes and she saw something she couldn't quite comprehend. She saw exhaustion, as if the Commander was done with everything. She remembered the Commander's expression from only a few minutes ago. She saw Lexa hating herself, hurting herself, trying to put her mask on but failing miserably. She took another deep breath, preparing to start asking her questions. She felt like she needed to prepare, she had no idea what was coming or if she would like what she was about to hear.  
  
"I just..."  
  
Clarke's words were interrupted by a knock on the door. Lexa took a deep breath, as if she was saved in the last minute from certain execution. She stood up and walked towards the door. She wasn't expecting anyone. After a moment, she heard one of her guards calling her from the outside.  
  
"Heda! Emo hir!"   
  
She slowly opened the door and faced the warrior. She sighed before replying to the man.  
  
"I will be there in a moment."  
  
The warrior bowed in respect and turned away as Lexa closed the door. She walked straight to her chest of clothes and grabbed her coat and corset, wincing slightly as she sealed it over the fresh wound on her belly.  
  
"Lexa, what is going on? Who is here?" Clarke asked in confusion.  
  
"My council has arrived earlier than expected. I am meeting with them in the main building, there is much to discuss about this threat." She faced Clarke and took a deep breath before continuing.  
"I would like you to join me, if you wish."  
  
Clarke noticed how Lexa put back the Commander mask with ease but now, to her, it was trnasnparent. She might be able to pull the Commander attitude to her subjects but Clarke could see right through it.  
  
"A council meeting? Like the one back in TonDC?"  
  
"Yes. The Ice Nation matter has to be taken care of at once. I called for a council meeting while you were still under Zalik's care."  
  
She moved towards Clarke and took a deep breath, looking the blonde in the eyes.  
  
"You have no obligation to help my people or myself, Clarke. And I will understand if you do not wish to do so." The Commander said, lowering her head when she finished the sentence.  
  
Clarke stared at Lexa for a moment and she thought about her options. She has seen enough blood, way too much for a lifetime. She was tired of war, of battles, of conflict. For a minute, she considered denying help, letting the Commander sort things out on her own. This wasn't her battle to fight. However, the thought of innocent people being slaughtered caused her insides to twist.   
  
Lexa nodded at Clarke and turned to leave, presuming her silence as declination. She knew she did not deserve her help.  
  
"I'll fight with you."  
  
Lexa stopped and closed her eyes, quietly sighing, before turning back to face Clarke who walked towards her, looking her in the eyes.  
  
"But I'm not doing this to help _you_. I'm doing this because I won't just cross my arms while innocent people are dying."  
  
Lexa nodded again and started to walk towards the door to leave when she felt Clarke holding her hand tight. She turned back in confusion and stared at Clarke with wide eyes.  
  
Clarke pulled her closer and spoke loud enough just so the Commander could hear her as she knew the guards were waiting outside.  
  
"There is something you must know."  
  
Lexa noticed the urgency in Clarke's eyes and she wondered what would be so important. She looked at Clarke as the girl continued.   
  
"The Ice Nation suspects of what happened in TonDC. They want to use the knowledge about the missile to break the coalition."  
  
Lexa swallowed dry. She nodded and took a deep breath. She knew that some of her people did not take very well the fact that blood did not answered blood in Mt Weather. The last thing she needed was a rebellion. If war was really coming, she needed unity.   
  
"Thank you, Clarke." She said as she opened the door letting Clarke out of the room.   
  
They met the guards that waited for them and started moving towards the main building where the council waited for their Commander.  
  


* * *

  
When they arrived, a large table had been set in the center of the main room. Twelve chairs surrounded the table and a thirteenth one was placed on a higher platform, right in the center with another one by its side. Eleven of the lower chairs were occupied by a grounder general but one was empty.   
  
The generals stood up and lowered their heads in respect when the Commander entered the room followed by Clarke. She walked towards the higher platform and pointed the side chair with her eyes to Clarke. The blonde stood in front of the chair the same way the other generals were doing.  
  
Lexa went to her chair but she didn't sit. She motioned for her generals to sit down and took a deep breath before she started talking.  
  
"Em komgeda gada in natrona."  
  
She said with a strong voice, the Commander's mask attached to her face emptying her eyes and voice from any emotion.  
  
"The Ice Nation has betrayed the alliance built with the blood of all our people." She looked at her generals with challenging eyes, wondering for a moment if there was other traitors. "They have admitted joining us in battle with spying eyes, looking for weakness. But they found none."  
  
She sat down slowly and quickly looked at Clarke, who watched the Commander's every movement. The blonde understood now. The empty chair belonged to the general of the Ice Nation, the alliance Lexa fought so hard to achieve was hanging by a thread and a new war was about to begin.   
  
"They do not wish to live in peace. Instead, they intend to invade this land once more, causing distress between the clans." Lexa paused, grabbing her dagger and looking at her reflection on the blade before facing her generals again. "I will not allow it."  
  
The general of the Highlands Clan asked for the word and Lexa nodded, allowing him to speak.  
  
"How do we know if this is true, Heda? We heard rumors but..."  
  
"They're already here."  
  
The council went into complete silence when Clarke interrupted the general. Even Lexa looked surprised.  
  
Clarke got up and removed her jacket, placing slowly on the table, exposing only enough flesh for the generals to see her scars. She runs her finger over the long scar on the base of her neck before facing the generals.  
  
"If you want to know if they are really going to attack, well I have the answer for you. They will. And they don't want to talk; they want to kill every single one of you." She finished looking at the general in the eyes.  
  
Lexa took a deep breath, reclaiming the word.  
  
"Clarke was taken by Brynjar and her warriors. They stayed here instead of heading back to the White Lands after we were done in Mount Weather."  
  
Clarke felt Lexa's words like she felt the cold water used by the Ice Nation. She flinched with the bitterness caused by the memory, but she doesn't let it show. Was that how she felt about it? They were _done_?  
  
"We should have killed them all when we had the chance." Indra spoke with rage. "Quint showed no respect for you, Heda, he challenged your command."  
  
"And he has paid with his life, Indra." Lexa stated.  
  
The brunette turned her attention back to her generals.  
  
"They took Clarke captive, thinking she could provide them with more information." She took a deep breath and thoroughly calculated her next words. "They did not expect, however, that the Sky People would not betray the alliance they have with us. Not even under torture." She swallowed dry after the last words. "And because of that, we now have intelligence on their intentions."  
  
She motioned to Clarke, who stared at the Commander, surprised by her words. She was feeling extremely confused. It was like Lexa was playing mind games. She shows no regret for leaving her but at the same time shows that she values the alliance with her people, the very alliance she betrayed.  
  
Clarke nodded back at Lexa and started to speak.  
  
"The Ice Nation is challenging the Commander and her army. They want to claim this land as their own. Their general said of an army of their own, getting ready to attack. She was very clear on her message. They are coming."  
  
"Where did they take you, Sky Princess?" Nicola, the Sea Clan General asked.  
  
"I don't know. I left my people's village, Camp Jaha, five days before and headed north. They attacked me by surprise. I was kept inside a tent then I was taken here."  
  
"Ha disha sis em au? Ha em na gon get klin?" The general of the Desert Clan showed distress in his words.  
  
"Em ge ogud." Lexa responded dryly.  
  
"We know of their intentions. I will not take this lightly. The Trigedakru does not bend to threats. We must prepare our warriors at once." She nodded in Nicola's direction.  
  
She grabbed her dagger and lightly touched the table top with the blade's edge.  
  
"Send scouts to all the villages to warn them of the imminent danger. Ensure they have enough warriors to defend themselves and all children, weak and elderly are taken to safer grounds. I want eyes everywhere and any information will be reported to me at once."  
  
"And if we find them?" Indra asked in a low, thirsty tone, as if she knew what her Commander would say.  
  
"Oso frag em ogeda op." Lexa said with fire in her eyes.  
  
The generals cheered and Lexa portrayed a small grim. Clarke remember seeing her face like that when the war against Mt. Weather was about to begin.  
  
"They shall have the war they seek. And when we find them, their queen is mine." She said inbetween her teeth.  
  
The Commander stood up and was followed by her generals. The room fell in silence. Lexa stared at the empty seat with rage in her eyes.  
  
"When this is over..." She paused and threw her dagger, piercing the seat that belonged to the Ice Nation general. "... the Ice Nation will be no more."  
  
She looked back up at her generals and raised her hand.  
  
"Kom wor!"  
  
The generals cheered, raising their arms and repeating the Commander's words.  
  
 _"Kom wor!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heda! Emo hir! - Commander! They are here!  
> Em komgeda gada in natrona. - There's a traitor in the coalition.  
> Ha disha sis em au? Ha em na gon get klin? - How does this help us? How do we know for sure?  
> Em ge ogud. - We get ready.  
> Oso frag em ogeda op. - We will kill them all.  
> Kom wor! - To war!


	11. I'm Right Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lexa opens her heart to Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you so much for all the amazing feedback on this fic! I love to discuss the events with you guys and it all make me really happy!  
> War is coming, but before, these girls need to put their shit together! Will it be easy? I don't think so!
> 
> Thank you again, to my friend [Din](http://archiveofourown.org/users/maieisn/pseuds/maieisn) who is my guardian angel with this fic!
> 
> I'm [once-upon-a-sasss](http://once-upon-a-sasss.tumblr.com) on Tumblr, hit me any time!

Chapter 11 - I'm right here.

 

Clarke watched as the generals left the room. They spent the last hours discussing tactics and plans to prepare for battle. The scouts were chosen and the generals started to leave, heading back to their villages to get their people ready.

As the last general left, Lexa turned her attention to the blonde, who watched her every step.

"Walk with me, Clarke."

The Commander pointed at the door and started walking towards it, followed closely by Clarke who felt a bit confused. Lexa had a calm expression. The blonde could still see that she was worried about the upcoming war, but the Commander mask was off. She felt slightly more at ease.

Followed by two guards, they walked through the narrow roads of Polis, Lexa leading the way.

The Commander had a million thoughts inside her head. She thought of the battle that was about to come, the responsilibilies with her people and she thought about Clarke. Her memories travelled to their earlier conversation and she remembered Clarke's words. She knew she had to give Clarke something. That was the price she would have to pay to maybe be worthy of forgiveness. She wanted to do it though. She wanted to provide Clarke with what she wanted to hear, with what she wanted to know. She knew it would be a painful process, but she was willing to go through it.

"You never had the chance to tell me what is it that you wish to know, Clarke." She said quietly, not looking back.

Clarke took a deep breath, she wasn't sure herself of what she wanted to know. There was nothing specific, she wanted to understand Lexa. The very essence of her, what makes her be who she is.

"I don't know... I just... I want to understand you, Lexa. Not why you left because I know why, but understand how you got to that point. What made you the way you are."

Lexa kept walking in silence for a moment and took a deep breath. She felt that the time had come. She needed to start, she needed to guide Clarke over her walls. She looked back and motioned to the guards to give them more space. The men slowed their steps and guarded their Commander from afar.

"I came to Polis soon after being called to lead my people. I was younger and the city fascinated me."

Clarke listened in silence.

"Everything was new and so different from the village where I was born. My village was small, smaller than TonDC. We didn't have buildings, only tents and there was not too many people so the contrast was imense. After I arrived, I walked down these roads every day, I wanted to see everything and I wanted to know every corner of the city. Somehow, I believed that knowing the city would help me with the task of leading my people."

She stopped in front of the foot of a hill. She turned to look at Clarke with a shy smile. They walked up the hill and up some stone steps that led to an open area with a small cliff on the edge. Clarke watched as Lexa walked towards the cliff. She slowly approached the Commander and looked at the same direction she was staring.

It was beautiful. The sun was setting and the people started to light torches and small fires. From the higher ground, the whole of Polis could be seen, surrounded by the mighty forrest. The walls and gates of the city stood in the distance. It was peaceful, she could only hear the wind brushing against the trees.

"I discovered this place after a few days and I found myself returning here very often."

"It's beautiful." Clarke spoke.

"It is indeed. And it is quiet." Lexa stated as she breathed deeply.

They looked at the sight of Polis for a while in silence, as if neither of them knew how to continue that conversation. Clarke turned to look at Lexa who still stared at the city. She tried to read the Commander's eyes but she couldn't. She could only see the reflection of the sun setting on her green eyes. It was beautiful. With a sigh, she decided to speak.

"What do you think you would be doing if things were different?" Clarke asked still looking at Lexa.

"I do not know different, Clarke. This is all I know. This is all I am, all I can allow myself to be." Lexa said with a sad voice.

"Bullshit." Clarke said harshly. "Not long ago you seemed to believe that we deserved better than this."

The Commander started walking towards a small group of trees. She leaned against one, facing Clarke, who followed her and leaned on the same tree.

"We are what we are, Clarke. I was reminded of my purpose, of my duty. It would be foolish of me to linger on my own desires, on what I may deserve."

Lexa's words were full of resentment. Clarke knew she was trying to hide behind her walls. She wondered what would be those desires, what did the Commander think she would deserve if she was not the Heda.

After a moment of silence, Clarke thought that she didn't want to let her chance of knowing more about Lexa slip away, so she decided that perhaps she could also clear her head and her heart.

"Do you care about me?"

She asked quietly, trying to carry on the conversation. She saw the Commander turning her head to look at her with surprise.

"Clarke.." She said in a sigh.

"Just answer the question, Lexa." She said slightly more harshly and felt the Commander's body tensing beside her.

"I do care about you, Clarke. But my responsibility with my people comes first. I told you that."

"You don't care. You never did. If you cared you wouldn't have done what you did, you would have found another way, _we_ would have found another way! But you prefered to just turn your back and leave, like a coward!"

Clarke felt herself losing control again. She knew that was not true, she knew that was Lexa's only option to save her people, to prevent any more grounder blood to be spilled. Yet, she felt the need of hurting the Commander taking over herself once more and she couldn't stop.

Lexa sighed and closed her eyes. She deserved that. She had to pay for her betrayal.

"You do not understand..." The Commander said in a whisper. She tried to control her emotions, tried to remain calm.

"I don't understand? You really shouldn't speak of what you don't know, Lexa. They're gone, all of them. By my hand."

Clarke tenses her body with the memory. It felt as sharp as the Ice Nation's blades.

Lexa looked at Clarke's eyes and could see the pain there. She wondered to herself what happened after she left and started to think that whatever happened, still haunted Clarke.

"How can you say you care? I stayed there and fought. You didn't. So yea, I understand perfectly, Lexa. You say you care, but you left when you were _done_." She said in spite. "You gave up on me when we were so close!"

"I GAVE UP ON MYSELF!" Lexa shouted and hit the tree next to her with her closed fist, as hard as she could.

Lexa felt sharp bolts of pain running through her whole body. The pain of all the memories she tried so hard to keep burried was now hitting her strong. She felt her breathing failing and her legs getting weaker. She brought her hands to her face to try and hide the sob the escaped her throat as she collapsed on the ground.

Clarke slightly jumped back in surprise. She watched as the Commander came undone in front of her. She covered her mouth with one hand and without taking notice of her own actions, she lowered herself and lightly touched Lexa's back. She felt tears starting to run down her cheeks. She had gone too far.

Lexa flinched at Clarke's touch and raised her head to face the blonde. Her eyes were swollen and her teeth were cringed.

"I am the Heda, and this is all I can ever be. It is my fate, it is what I was born to be." She said in tears.

"You were right, Clarke. I hide from my feelings. Because they are as sharp as blades. Because they remind me of everything I can never have, of everything that was taken away from me. They remind me of what happens to anyone who gets too close to me."

Clarke sighed heavily. She closed her eyes as she said with a heavy voice.

"Costia..."

She watched Lexa's eyes being flooded by tears again. The Commander could barely breathe, but Clarke crossed a line from where she could not turn back. She moved closer to the brunette who tried to gather courage to keep speaking.

"She was Zalik's apprentice. I first met her in the very building where you were taken when you arrived in Polis. I had training wounds and she healed me, guided by Zalik." Clarke noticed the Commander's eyes wandering in memories. She could almost touch the pain Lexa was feeling. "She always had a smile on her face, she was beautiful and fragile. I wanted to protect her, to make sure she was always happy and content. When I was with her, I though I could be more than only Heda."

Lexa took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"When the Ice Nation attacked, I ordered her to stay in Polis, thinking that the walls of the city would protect her but they broke our defences and they saw my weakness." Clarke saw Lexa's expression turn from pain to rage in a second. "They saw that I tried to protect her and assumed she was important to me. So they took her."

The Commander opened her eyes and faced Clarke.

"Because I was weak, she was tortured and killed. Because I allowed myself to be anything other than Heda, she died. She died because of me, Clarke. She died because of me!"

Clarke reached out and pulled Lexa into a silent embrace. The Commander leaned on the blonde's legs, curled in pain, allowing herself to cry over the loss of her lover for the first time. She touched Lexa's hair in a gentle carress and remained silent, letting the brunnete release all the pain.

After several minutes, she felt Lexa moving to a sitting position. She saw the Commander swallow the tears and turn her gaze back at her.

"I recognised my weakness and promised myself that I would never let that happen again. My emotions made me weak and brought death and misery to my people. And as Commander, I could not allow that to happen again."

Lexa's expression became hard as she looked away from the blonde. The Commander mask was on, and it was harder than ever.

"I kept my walls up, kept my emotions at bay. I had control, I united the clans and brought peace to my people." She said on a sigh, making a brief pause.

"Then you fell from the sky, Clarke." She turned her gaze back to the blonde, who opened her eyes wide.

"We were at war, and I did not believe at that time that it would be possible for our people to live in peace. But then you came to me seeking peace and you showed respect for our culture, learned our ways even not agreeing with them. It did not take long for me to recognise your strength, Clarke. You fight with passion, you fight with your heart. And even though that will probably kill you, I found myself admiring you."

Clarke felt her whole body freeze. She felt her breathing failing as she looked inside the Commander's eyes. She could only see tenderness. It was, in a way she couln't quite understand, scary.

Lexa aproached Clarke who still stared at her. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She tried to focus, tried to keep herself together. She needed to finish what she started.

"You challenged me, you hated me, you doubted me and finally, you trusted me. And I could see each step every time I looked at you, every time I looked into your eyes. I was drowning on them, Clarke. You have awaken in me something that I thougt it was gone. You made me want to feel again, you made me lose control."

She stopped for a second to look at Clarke. Lexa couldn't read her her expression. She could, however, notice that the blonde's eyes were, again, a bit more blue, which made her chest ache somehow differently.

"I knew I lost it when I kissed you and..." She sighed in preparation. "... you kissed me back. You gave in for a moment and I found myself wishing there was no war, no command, nothing. Just you, and me."

Lexa felt her heart floating as she saw the small, timid grin on the edge of Clarke's lips when she mentioned the kiss.

"I wanted to bring you to Polis with me, my people and your people walking side by side. I wanted to fight by your side until the end."

Clarke felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She felt like the moment she was expecting was coming. She was scared.

"When the battle in Mt. Weather begun, the moment came for me to make a decision. And I can not describe the pain I felt. I could save my people. I could stop their suffering. But that would mean bringing suffering upon you and your people. And Clarke, bringing suffering upon you only meant bringing suffering upon myself. I felt myself dizzy with emotions and memories. Memories of the one I loved being hurt because of me, memories of my people in war and in suffereing, because of my weakness. So I gave up. It was the only thing I could do to save my people, to be the Heda I was born to be."

Lexa started sobbing as the words left her mouth. She cried out the weight of her decision, the relief for saving her people and the pain for leaving Clarke.

"I did not give up on you, Clarke from the Sky People, for you are the one who reminded me that life could be better than this. You are the one who made me _want_ life to be better than this. I could never give up on you."

She said, reaching out and slightly caresing the blonde's cheeks with the tip of her fingers.

"I gave up on myself. Because Heda is all I can ever be. I cannot give you what you deserve, Clarke. I cannot be different than what I am. And I cannot and will not choose anything before my people. I gave up on my happiness, on my wishes, on my hope. For my people, I gave up on myself, on my love. For my people, I lost you."

Lexa lowered her head, defeated, hopeless, exhausted. She let a deep sob surface and brought her hand to her eyes, trying to hide behind what was left of her walls.

Clarke still looked at the crumbled Commander, air escaping her lungs, ground shaking beneth her feet. She took a deep breath and approached Lexa even more. She understood now. She understood why Lexa had walls, she understood more than just the Commander's obligations. She understood her feelings. She understood her pain. She thought that Lexa was right back in the tent before Mt. Weather; they were not so different. They both had to endure pain, they had to make decisions they do not regret because it was the only way to save their people, but they wished there was another way. She stretched her arm and cupped Lexa's face with one hand, raising her head and meeting her gaze. She slid her hand behind the brunnete's neck and pulled her into an embrace, resting the Commander's chin on her shoulder and placing her hand on her head, offering comfort. She felt Lexa's breathing easing out and mimicked the brunette's earlier action, pulling her head back and placing her forehead against the Commander's, sharing silence and tears once more.

Clarke closed her eyes. She had Lexa's last words hammering her brain _. I gave up on myself, on my love._ Lexa loved her. She felt a small smile grow on her lips behind the tears. She took a deep breath and whispered the only words she could put together at that moment, the only thing she could say that would, maybe, bring some comfort to Lexa, showing her that nothing was lost.

"I'm right here."


	12. I'm Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke opens her heart to Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. Once more, I'm overwhelmed by all the lovely comments you've been leaving here. It really makes me smile like an idiot.  
> This fic is being a hell of a ride and I'm having the best time writing it. I have so many ideas and I can't wait to share it all with you. So thank you very, very much for all your support!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one!

Chapter 12 - I'm lost.

Lexa rolled side to side on her bed. She felt exhausted yet she could not sleep. The storm of thoughts kept her from falling into slumber. Closing her eyes, she took herself back a few hours, when she felt Clarke's hand pulling her into a warm embrace. It felt good, it felt right. Like she belonged there, in the Sky Princess' arms. She was fighting a battle inside her own mind. She opened her past to Clarke, she spoke of her olbigations as commander and how her life would never be different that that. Yet the blonde stood there, holding her, carressing her hair, smiling, comforting her. _I'm right here._ The words floated in her brain making her feel numb. At the same time, she felt scared. She knew Clarke was already a target and war was about to start. She couldn't let herself be weak, she knew how badly it could end if she did. She wouldn't let Clarke have the same fate.

The Commander took a deep breath and got up, reaching for a glass of water from the table across the room. She drank slowly and looked outside her balcony door. The night was quiet and the stars were shining bright. She tried to focus on something other than the Sky Princess and tried to think about the mission ahead. In a few days, the scouts would return with more information and then the council would be able to trace a better plan. She wouldn't let the Ice Nation take their lands. No matter what. With another deep breath, she decided to try to sleep again, turning away from the door, towards her bed. She was interrupted by light knocks on her door.

Lexa quietly reached for her dagger and leaned against the wall by the door. It was late and she was not expecting anyone. She thought for a second that perhaps her scouts returned earlier, relaxing the grip on her dagger only slightly. Perhaps the Ice Nation was closer than expected and the battle was about to begin. Another light knock and a quiet voice called her name.

"Lexa?"

Relaxing her stance, Lexa turned to open the door and faced confused blue eyes. Clarke looked at the Commander's face and turned her gaze to the brunette's hand that was still holding the dagger.

"Expecting someone?" The blonde said as Lexa put the dagger away.

"There is nothing wrong with being cautious in times of war. Come in, Clarke." Lexa stepped aside, inviting the girl in.

She walked in awkwardly and leaned against the table in the center of the room. Lexa turned from closing the door and faced the blonde.

"I can't sleep..." Clarke said quietly.

"Nor can I." Lexa said on a sigh, walking across the room. "May I offer you a drink?"

Clarke nodded as the Commander started to prepare two cups of tea with herbs.

"It is kind of a long way from Zalik's..." Clarke tried to start conversation as Lexa carried on with the drinks.

"The door on your left leads to a room that is never used. You can stay there if you wish." Lexa felt the words slipping out her mouth. She never used the extra room and it would be indeed easier to have Clarke near as they would have a lot to discuss because of the upcoming war. But maybe it was too soon for such invitation. She closed her eyes and pursed her lips as she faced the surface with mugs and herbs. "Or perhaps we can settle you in a different building." She tried to rephrase it.

"Next room is fine. Thank you." Clarke said without thinking much. She stared out the balcony door, into the moon light.

Lexa opened her eyes wide and let a small grin grow on her lips. She took a deep breath to pull herself together and turned around, holding two mugs of steaming tea. She handed one to Clarke and sat back on the corner of her bed. She watched as the blonde stared at the sky, wondering what she would be thinking.

"Why can't you sleep?" Clarke asked without looking at Lexa.

"I guess my brain is not giving in to the pleads of my tired body."

"Too much thinking about the war and the Ice Nation?" She asked, taking a sip of her drink.

"War does not take my sleep away, Clarke. I have confidence in my army." The Commander replied, closing her eyes and stretching her neck.

"What is it then?" Clarke insisted.

Lexa opened her eyes and looked at Clarke raising her eyebrow in a silent answer. Clarke looked back at her, reading her expression and understanding it clearly.

"Oh..." The blonde murmured and looked away.

Lexa sighed and got up. She walked towards Clarke and leaned on the table by her side. She placed her own mug on the table and studied the girl's expression. The blonde still stared at the night sky, feeling the proximity of the Commander.

"What takes your sleep away, Sky Princess? What makes you walk across the city when you should be resting, regaining your strength?" Lexa asked without taking her eyes away from Clarke.

The blonde took a deep breath and turned her face to Lexa, meeting her gaze. She placed her own cup next to Lexa's.

"The laughter. And the screams." She said in a whisper. "I... I didn't want to be alone." She lowered her head.

Lexa pressed her eyes in confusion. She didn't quite understand what the blonde meant but she thought it was probably something regarding Mt Weather or the Ice Nation. She thought that it was best to not ask questions, but to let Clarke continue at her own pace. She wasn't even sure if the blond intended to share anything with her, so she waited. She saw Clarke sighing again before continuing.

"I didn't really sleep much after... After I left Camp Jaha. I guess it was good that I passed out for four days when I got here. I guess I really needed that." She said, forcing a small laughter. She looked at the Commander who looked back at her with tender eyes and she felt like letting it all out. She didn't want to carry those memories and that pain on her own anymore. She wanted to feel light.

"I'm not in peace. I can't forgive myself." She made another small pause, gaze still locked with the Commander's. "What I did was wrong, but it was the only way. I didn't have a choice." She felt tears growing in her eyes.

"We do what we must to protect our people, Clarke." Lexa said, softly.

"I killed them all, Lexa. Every single one of them. Guilty, innocent, everyone. They had my friends, they were torturing them, they had my mom." Clarke could not hold her tears anymore. "There was no other way. I killed a man to prove a point and after that, I killed them all. I killed someone special to Jasper, I just can't shake the screams away. I asked Monty to hack their system and flooded the whole thing with outside air. And they burned to death. They wouldn't give up, they wouldn't let my friends go. I had no choice."

Lexa heard in silence while Clarke sobbed between words.

"So I left. I took them back to Camp Jaha but I couldn't stand being there. I didn't feel like I belonged there anymore. I walked in the forest alone, I didn't know where to go. I couldn't sleep. I didn't know who I was anymore. I dreamed about my mother, I dreamed about you." She moved her hand to slightly touch Lexa's.

"There was fire and you were there and then you left. And I was so angry at you. So goddamn angry because... Because I had to do all that, and I had to do it on my own. And I took so many lives, Lexa. So many fucking lives that I don't think there's anything left of me."

Lexa moved her hand and held Clarke's. The blonde sighed and wiped the tears that kept falling.

"And I'm hurt. I'm hurt by what I did, I'm hurt by what I became. And I'm hurt because I saw you walking away and... for a while I didn't understand why it hurt me but now I do. It hurt me because I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to fight by my side. Because I wanted to leave that mountain with our people. Because I felt like when that all ended, I would be ready."

Clarke lowered her head and let the tears flow freely. It felt good to release all that but it felt painful at the same time. She didn't want to feel bitter anymore. She didn't want to hurt Lexa anymore because she felt like the brunette was already in pain, and her pain would never go away. Same way as her own. She needed Lexa to show her how to deal with it, how to embrace it and turn it into strength. She never asked for any of that but it was thrown upon her regardless. She thought that even though she couldn't stand staying in Camp Jaha and looking at her people's faces, the pain of what she did was still lingering around her, gently touching her with cold thin hands. And she needed to find a way to deal with it. She raised her head and looked back at the Commander who know squeezed her hand gently. She had nothing but kindness in her eyes. She could see how intrinsically she was being heard and understood. She felt ashamed. Ashamed by the way she treated Lexa. Now that she understood the girl's pain, she felt like she went too far with her bitterness. She knew that the need to hurt her had a reason to be. She wanted Lexa to feel as terrible as she did when she was left but now she sees that everything had a reason and an explanation, that the Commander has guilt herself and was hurt by her ownaction, by the obligations that being a Heda demanded. So she saw her words to Lexa to be way too harsh.

"I know I was harsh. I never meant to hurt you, Lexa. I was mirroring my own pain to make myself feel better but it only made me feel worse." She tried to apologize.

"You do not have to apologize, Clarke. I am aware of the pain I caused you and I know I deserved no less." Lexa said quietly, lowering her head.

Lexa's words made Clarke feel even worse. She could almost touch the Commander's self-loathing and she felt like that was not right. She knew her whole life was full of hard decisions, full of resentment and wishes for another way. But this other way never happened. To neither of them.

After a moment of silence, the blonde took a deep breath and continued to release herself in words.

"When they captured me, I had no idea why I was being taken or where to or by whom."

Lexa felt her body tense. She knew Clarke needed that, she needed to let it all out but she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear what happened to the girl. She wanted to but she was afraid she wouldn't be able to control her reactions and emotions. She took a deep breath to pull herself together once more. The Ice Nation was an enemy that would be soon destroyed and she would make sure they would pay for all the pain they inflicted upon her people, upon herself.

"They hurt me so bad. Pain lost its meaning. They lashed me and stabbed me and hit me and at some point I felt myself numb. And I wished it to end. I wanted to be dead, Lexa. I was so goddamn tired. I still am so fucking tired. But if before I could hear Mt Weather's people screaming when I closed my eyes, now I can also see her."

Lexa saw Clarke's expressions turning from pain to rage.

"She knew exactly where to go. I'm not sure she realised how much her words were affecting me. She had no regret, she was proud of what she was doing, of what her queen did. She threatened me, she said she would kill every single one of your people and I just couldn't have that. I was ready to give up, ready to let myself sleep and not wake up anymore but I just couldn't. I couldn't just leave knowing that she would still be here, killing innocent people."

Clarke stood up and walked towards Lexa's bed, sitting on the edge and burying her face in her hands. She wiped her tears again and looked at the brunette who still held her gaze on her.

"But I didn't let it show. And that made her very angry." She said with a grin. "She threatened to kill you in your sleep if I didn't deliver their message. They just want to kill everyone. And I was not... I am not ready to give her that."

Clarke was feeling her blood boil. She tried to control her breath but it was in vain. The idea of causing other people's death made her sick and she was soaking in blood. Innocent blood. She took so many innocent lives and she felt so utterly terrible and guilty for doing so, she couldn't stand the idea of someone doing this willingly, with no regret. She wouldn't accept that. She felt her mind clearing up while she spoke and she understood why she still wanted to inflict pain. She wanted revenge.

Lexa felt a small smile grow on her lips. She felt proud of Clarke. She felt like the girl was growing as a leader and accepting the ultimate truth: blood must answer blood. She approached Clarke and sat by her side on the bed. She looked into the blonde's eyes and saw all the anger, all the pain and all the courage. She saw the struggle the girl was going through and she felt an urge to help her through it. She stretched her arm and cupped Clarke's face with one hand, bringing herself closer.

"Jus drain, jus daun. When we find her, the kill will be yours, Clarke." She paused briefly. "We are living the same situation we did before Mt Weather. Since we cannot move forward, we find ourselves with too much time to think. I see how hard this is for you. But putting your past in the past is the only way to move forward. Your actions will follow you wherever you go and you must learn to turn them into strength. You are a great leader Clarke, you use your head _and_ your heart.

Clarke leaned her head and rested her forehead on Lexa's shoulder. She felt tears falling again. She felt tired, exhausted. She felt like she was in a crossroad with endless paths and whatever path she would chose, there would be no turn back. She felt Lexa's hand rest on her head, softly caressing her hair. She enjoyed the touch, she missed human connection. She let a sob escape and took a deep breath.

"I'm so lost..." She said in a painful whisper, tears clotting her voice.

Lexa felt her heart clench. She tightened the embrace, showing the blonde that she was not alone.

"It will be ok, Sky Princess. I will help you find your way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, you have to check out the amazing AU that my lovely [maieisn ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/maieisn/pseuds/maieisn) is writing! It's beautiful and you'll be hooked in no time! Read it and spread the word! Click [ here ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3799789/chapters/8461987) to read it!


	13. Come With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Once again, thank you very much for the amazing feedback. I really love this fic and it will only get better!  
> Thank you again to my beautiful friend Din, who's being my guardian angel with this one!  
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

 

Chapter 13 - Come With Me

Clarke watched as Lexa sat down on the chair in the center of the big table in the main building of Polis. Once again, the eleven generals were gathered to discuss the next steps in the campaign against the Ice Nation.

"Perhaps our best option is indeed to send warriors to the White Lands, Heda. They would never expect us to strike first!" The leader of the Prairie Clan was one of the first ones to speak as he briefly stood up. Clakre could notice the tones of green and blue on the General's clothes. The clan insignia was painted on his shoulder piece and she could recognise the shapes of a green field and blue sky.

"I share this opinion with you, Anton. I believe that attacking is always the best defense!" Nicola, the general from the Sea Clan agreedas she breiefly stood up, making her clan insignia visible to Clarke. The painting of a large trident stood out the General's outfit. Clarke noticed hints of excitement on the woman's light brown eyes.

"This is nonsense! We have to keep our armies ready, if we send warriors away, who will defend this land?" Jacob, the leader of the Wetlands Clan spoke up. The man was tall and his long hair was held by a bun. On the sleeve of his deep green shirt, the insiginia of the Wetlands Clan showed portraying a large snake on a wet tree.

"Waiting for the scouts to return is not a plan! Too many days have passed and we still have no word. They are probably dead by now!" The general representing the River Land Clan shook her head. Clarke turned her atention to the blonde woman on the other end of the table.

"Em pleni!" Lexa said harshly, getting the attention from all her generals. "Sending warriors away is not an option. Right now, we need our warriors to be ready for an attack. If we send them away, there will be not enough people to defend this land." She said with a decisive tone.

Twelve days have passed since the first meeting and it was time for the generals to report their actions and findings to their Heda. Moreover, it was time for the scouts to come back with information and the Commander wanted to be ready to act once she had all the information she needed. However, some generals were restless with the time that was taking for the patrol to return to Polis and new strategies started to be traced.

"We are waiting for too long for the scouts to return, Heda. What if they attack us? What if they attack Polis?" The general from the Heathland Clan questioned the Commander.

"They will have to overcome the walls first." Lexa responded, facing the general. "If they think that they can breach in our defenses again, they are wrong. There are warriors located at the gates and scouting the area around the walls." She informed the leaders.

"How will the other warriors, the ones outside Polis, know if they are needed in the city?" The Desert Clan leader spoke.

"There are scouts hidden in the woods. They will warn the nearby villages in any sight of movement towards the Capital. We do not know where the enemy is. We cannot leave the city or the villages unprotected to search for them. What is important now is having all warriors on high alert, ready to fight." Lexa said in a decisive tone.

The leader of the Desert Clan lowered his head in acknowledgement before continuing speaking.

"There are approximately 250 warriors between the four villages in the desert, Heda. The villages are small so that should be enough for now. They are ready to come to Polis should you request their presence to form a larger army."

Lexa nodded and turned her attention to Nicola, the leader of the Sea Clan.

"The fishermen have returned from the sea and our food storages are now full, Heda. With the 100 men back, we now have approximately 400 warriors to defend the seven villages near the shores. They are ready to come to Polis at your command."

"Our warriors are ready to fight, Heda." The leader of the Highlands Clan spoke up. "We have over 500 people guarding the villages and ready to join you."

"What about the children, elderly and weak?" Lexa asked.

"They were taken to safer grounds, Heda. Some are coming to Polis, others decided to stay with their families. We are making sure they are safe." Indra answered the Commander's question.

Lexa turned her attention to the door as a warrior entered the room. He bowed in respect to the Commander who nodded, giving him permission to speak.

"Heda, em tro op ste hir!"

"Bring them in." Lexa said to the warrior as he bowed and left.

A few minutes after, a group of eight warriors entered the room. The Commander and her generals watched as the men lowered their heads in respect.

"Heda, em don hon em op."

Lexa raised her head after hearing the warrior's words.

"Where?" She said with a sober voice.

"One day from Polis. A small camp. No more than 50 warriors. It looks like a scouting mission. As you requested, we did not attack. Three warriors remained there hidden on the trees. They will report back in any sight of movement or change. The warriors in TonDC are aware of the enemy's presence and they are ready to attack on your command."

Lexa nodded as she took a deep breath.

"Indra. You will return to TonDC with more warriors. You must not be seen by the enemy." Lexa watched as Indra nodded. She turned her attention back to the generals. "You will go back to your villages and stay alert." She then turned her attention specifically to Nicola. "Take more warriors back with you. The shores must be guarded at all times." Once again, she spoke to all her generals. "I then will join the warriors in TonDC and prepare the attack. Any changes will be brought to me at once. Go."

The generals started to get up and leave. Clarke was still sat next to Lexa and watched as the Commander walked towards one of the scouts. She couldn't hear what they were saying but she didn't quite like the expression on Lexa's face. The warrior bowed and left the room as Lexa turned her attention to Clarke.

"The battle is near, Clarke. We should get back to training."

"I wish I still had my gun." The blonde said in frustration, reminiscing over the weapon took by the Ice Nation while she was held captive.

"Once you learn how to properly utilise a sword, you will see how your fire weapons are unreliable. A blade does not need to be reloaded."

"I know." The blonde said with a sigh. "You've been saying this for the last twelve days."

"Do you find your training dull, Clarke?"

"No. I asked you to train me. It's just... I'm tired."

"Being tired is part of the training, Clarke. Soon your body will get used to it. Now come, I have something for you."

Clarke stood up and followed Lexa out the room. The Commander entered a smaller side room of the main building and walked towards an old cupboard. She grabbed something from inside of it and turned to face Clarke.

"I think it is time for you to have your own blade." The Commander said, extending both her arms and exposing a sword much similar to her own.

Clarke faced the brunette and took a step forward. She closed one of her hands around the sword's handle and the other on the end of the sleeve. With a swift movement, she pulled the blade out of its sleeve and looked at her own reflection on it.

"Does this mean that I won't have to try and take your sword from you anymore?" Clarke said in a light tone.

Lexa allowed a small grin to form on her lips.

"No." She said as she quickly made a movement, taking the sword from Clarke's hand. "It means that you will have to reclaim your own blade. If you can."

* * *

 

The trees shook with the wind that blew strong at the secluded area of Polis where Lexa took Clarke a few days before. The place was empty but its usual peace was disturbed by sweat and blood.

Clarke spat on the ground, painting the fresh grass red. She rubbed the back of her hand on her mouth to wipe the blood that remained there. Looking up, she put herself in a defensive stance, trying to think about her next move. She took a step forward, raising both her hands that were now closed in fists. She was panting, sweat running on her forehead.

She decided to trick her opponent, moving fast to her left. As she was close enough, she swung her body to the right and threw a punch. She was sure that this time she would make it. It took only a few seconds for her to realise how wrong she was. She felt the air moving by her side and a sharp pain took over her middle section. She knelt on the ground with the blow.

"You are not focusing, Clarke."

Lexa lowered herself to the ground after hitting the blonde with the handle of her sword. The Commander held both blades, Clarke's and her own, one in each hand as Clarke tried to take her own sword back.

Clarke took a deep breath and moved as fast as she could, taking advantage of the proximity with the brunette. She moved her arm and felt a wave of excitement as her closed fist collided with the side of the Commander's body. She stood up and assumed the defensive stance once more.

"Are you sure?" She asked, mockingly.

"You are in no position for mockery, Clarke. I still have your blade. If the enemy takes your weapon from you in combat, you must be able to reclaim it." Lexa stood up, putting her hand over the place where Clarke's punch hit her.

Clarke took a step to her right, never losing eye contact with the Commander, trying once again to find a weak spot in Lexa's stance.

"You must think before you act. You must study your opponent's movements and identify their weaknesses. That is how you win a battle." Lexa said as she stood in defensive stance as well.

Clarke widened her eyes as an idea came across her mind. She was training daily for the past twelve days, always trying to take Lexa's sword from her. The Commander would show her battle movements and close combat techniques in the beginning of each training session. Clarke thought about each time she advanced towards the brunette and each reaction she would get from her. That was where her idea came from.

As fast as she could, Clarke advanced towards the brunette who stood motionless, waiting for the attack. As she was close enough, she turned her body slightly to purposely collide with her opponent with her shoulder.

Lexa raised both hands near her face, blades facing down, and used the handles as a sort of shield, absorbing the impact of Clarke's body and sending the blonde to the ground once more.

Clarke fell on her back with a loud thud and watched as the Commander advanced towards her with a grin on her lips. She saw her chance coming as Lexa leaned over her to attack once more.

"Ge smak daun..." the blonde said loudly as she quickly raised her leg with force, hitting a strong kick on Lexa's chest, making the brunette lose balance and fall with her back on the ground. "...gyon op nodotaim!" She completed as she quickly got up, running towards the brunette.

Lexa attempted getting up quickly but Clarke was already standing on top of her, sweep kicking her arms as she tried to stand. The Commander felt her face hit the ground and the copper taste fill her mouth as she stretched her arm to grab the sword that now laid on the ground. She closed her eyes as she felt Clarke's foot pressing against her wrist. She turned her head to look at the other blade but it laid only just too far for her to reach it. The Commander watched as Clarke, still stepping on her wrist bent down and took her own sword back. She felt her chest inflate with pride as the blonde pointed the edge of the sword at her.

"Yu gonplei ste odon." The blonde whispered teasingly with a cocky smile on her face, as she stepped back and offered her hand to help the Commander up.

Lexa stood up with a small grin on her face. She wiped the little blood from the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand and faced Clarke.

"Well done, Clarke. I am impressed. You showed focus, logic and calmness. These are the main attributes of a good warrior."

Clarke nodded at the Commander's lesson as she put her sword in its sleeve.

"We should return now. There is a subject that I would like to discuss with you."

Clarke watched as Lexa turned her back and started to walk away. She wondered to herself what the matter would be. With a deep breath, put her sword on her back and followed the brunette down the stone steps.

"Yu sou yuj, Clarke." The Commander said, without looking at the blonde.

"Mochof, Lexa." Clarke did not look at the Commander either.

They kept walking looking forward, not seeing the timid smile that grew on each other's lips.

* * *

 

Lexa knocked at the door on the left side of her room that led to the room where Clarke was settled. She took a deep breath as she waited for the girl to answer. Looking up, she saw the door slowly opening and blue eyes staring at her.

"Come in." Clarke said lightly as she turned her back and walked inside the room, giving way to the Commander. "What did you need to tell me?" The blonde asked.

Lexa watched as the girl put her jacket on and turned back to face her. She sat on the edge of Clarke's bed and motioned with her arm, asking the blonde to sit as well. Clarke sat by her side, still looking the Commander in the eyes.

"You should return to Camp Jaha." Lexa said as calmly as possible.

Clarke widened her eyes with the Commander's words and jolted up. She felt anger quickly fill every space in her body as she clenched her jaw.

"What? You want me to leave?" She managed to ask, looking down to the Commander.

Lexa stood up and walked towards Clarke, she held the blonde's gaze trying to show her intentions through her eyes.

"No, Clarke. I do not wish for you to leave. But it is necessary. War is coming and Camp Jaha is one of the villages in the vicinity of the Ice Nation's warriors. They must be warned of the imminent danger. As you know, all my generals are returning to their villages to prepare their people. You should do the same." Lexa said with a serious tone.

Clarke took a step forwards invading Lexa's personal space.

"I am not your general. And you are not my commander." She said looking the brunette in the eyes and holding the silence that came afterwards.

Lexa took a deep breath, never breaking the eye contact.

"I know you care for your people, Clarke." She said with a lower voice. "One of the scouts in the patrol mission told me that Camp Jaha, along with TonDC is one of the closest villages from the enemy's camp. They are in danger, Clarke. I understand the reasons that made you leave but I know you don't want them to be harmed. They must be warned." She stood up again and walked towards the blonde who still faced her. "You are a leader, Clarke. You must put your people first."

Lexa paused to examine the blonde's expression. For a second, she thought she could see understanding in Clarke's eyes, but at the same time, she saw fear and concern. She was being driven by fear. Fear of facing the people she saved, the people that reminded her of what she had to do. Lexa knew that even though Clarke was training and improving herself, she still didn't completely overcome the regret for the lives she took.

"You will not be alone." The brunette continued. "You will take warriors with you, to protect you and to help protecting your people once you reach Camp Jaha. And if it shows necessary, you will bring them to Polis."

"You said in the meeting that you will join the warriors in TonDC." Clarke said suddenly. Lexa could notice the decisive look on her face.

"Yes, I will." Lexa nodded.

"This might be the perfect way for you to show me and my people that you want the alliance we had to continue. Come with me to Camp Jaha. We can leave a day earlier to make up for the change of plans. Then we go to TonDC."

"Clarke, I..."

"You turned your back on me in Mt Weather." Clarke interrupted the brunette. "It hurt me but I understand now why you did it. I understand you. I understand your duty to your people. And yes, I understand my duty to my people as well. But this situation is not the same. After you left, I realised that everyone else did. I was alone at the entrance of Mt. Weather and I did what I had to do to save my people. If you want to rebuild this alliance, let us go to Camp Jaha together. I will talk to my people, explain the situation to them." Clarke took a step forward, getting closer to the Commander once more. "You don't get to leave me again, Lexa. Not like this."

Lexa could feel Clarke's breathing. She felt the proximity to the blonde like a storm cloud inside her chest. She lowered her eyes at the girl's lips, noticing her clenched jaw. As she looked up into her eyes again, she saw something different. She saw vulnerability. She saw how Clarke knew she had to go back but how big of a deal that was to her. She was right, the situation was different and in that moment, Lexa thought that indeed that could mean helping her own people as the guards in the remains of the Ark could be of great help against the Ice Nation. At the same time, she felt like obliging to Clarke's request could mean a step forwards towards her forgiveness and in that moment, that would not put her own people directly in danger. She felt a familiar emotion caused by the closeness with Clarke's body. She wanted to approach the blonde even further, to embrace her and reassure her. She wanted to close the distance between them once more but she knew that was not the time.

"Very well." She said in a low voice, almost a whisper. "I was expecting news from TonDC in two days, but we should not wait that long. We leave tomorrow." She took a few steps back and faced the blonde.

Clarke nodded and sat back on the edge of her bed. Taking a deep breath, she looked at Lexa's eyes and wondered if the brunette could see in her eyes, the real reason why she wanted her company. She knew she had to protect her people, more than that; she truly wanted to protect them. But she knew that it would not be an easy return. She needed strength. She needed Lexa to see that if they were in this new war together, they had to really be in it together, seeing both their people as one. As it should have been from the beginning.


	14. Klark Kom Trikru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much once again for the amazing feedback. It makes me really happy.  
> This will be the only update this week. Monday is my birthday and I won't be on the computer much this weekend. Hopefully I'll be able to bring you a new update before next Friday, though!
> 
> We have a memory in the beginning of the chapter, it's marked between horizontal lines and all written in italic. I hope it's clear enough. :)  
> As usual, glossary for Trigedasleng in the end of the chapter.
> 
> I hope you like this one! :)
> 
> Poke me on Tumblr, I'm [once-upon-a-sasss](http://once-upon-a-sasss.tumblr.com)!

**Chapter 14 - Klark kom Trikru**

Lexa stood holding herself firmly on the top of a tall tree. She looked around her trying to locate her target but there was nothing in sight. She looked to her left, facing one of her guards and nodded once. Jumping forward, she held herself onto another branch, quickly bending her knee giving herself the needed anticipation for another quick jump. She went from one branch to the other with ease, as if it was second nature. She spent her whole life between the trees, they provided the security she needed to complete her task.

In the next morning, she would be going to Camp Jaha with Clarke and she needed to be completely sure that no harm would come to the girl during the journey. She knew Clarke was already a target and the Ice Nation camp was way too close so she couldn't take any chances. Stopping onto a thick branch, she held herself and pressed her eyes again, trying to find what she was looking for.

* * *

 

_"What are you doing, Anya?"_

_A very young Lexa approached the Grounder General who was stroking some leaves onto her head. As the broken leaves touched the woman's hair, it released a black ink that hid the lightness of Anya's waves._

_"Changing the colour of my hair." She responded without looking at the girl._

_"Why? Your hair is so beautiful."_

_Anya stopped for a second and crouched down to face her apprentice._

_"War is coming, Lexa. I cannot allow the enemy to spot me in the battlefield because of the colour of my hair."_

_"I like it light."_

_Anya smiled softly at the girl as she stood up to carry on._

_"It will wash away, you do not need to worry. Now go fetch your sword, you have to keep training."_

_The young girl faced the direction Anya was pointing and noticed the bandages around the woman's arm._

_"Did you hurt yourself?"_

_Anya looked at her own wound and reassured the girl._

_"It is just a scratch. These leaves lie on the top of a very tall tree and it is rather difficult and dangerous to get to it."_

_Lexa stared at her mentor with admiration and took a deep breath._

_"I hope one day I can be as brave as you are, Anya."_

_"Yu na ste."_

* * *

 

Lexa widened her eyes as she spotted her target. A few meters away, the tall tree stood, covered by sharp thorns. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes while thinking that Anya was serious when she said it was difficult to get to the leaves. With another jump, she got closer to the tree and looked around, trying to trace a plan. She stretched up her hands and held a higher branch, pulling herself up. Balancing herself, she took a couple of steps forwards and jumped again, landing lightly on the branch in front of the thorny tree.

She studied the trunk, trying to find a safe spot but there was nothing. Looking up, she saw the leaves she was looking for on the very top of of the tree. She looked down again to her guard and lowered her body, stretching her arm.

The warrior gave Lexa two pieces of cloth and a small bag. The brunette put the bag strap around her neck and started to cover her hands with the pieces cloth, bandaging her palms the most she could.

"Heda, teik ai dula em op." The man looked at his Commander offering to climb the tree in her place.

"No, Lusio. Ai souda dula em op." She said as the warrior lowered his head in respect and jumped back to the branch below.

She could not allow anyone else to do this for her. It was something she wanted to show Clarke and she needed to do it herself. She wanted to show Clarke she would do anything to protect her. With a deep breath, she knotted the fabrics on her hands and grabbed her dagger. She reached up, cutting off some thorns from the branch above her, making space to place her hands on. Putting the dagger back on the sleeve, she grabbed the branch and pulled herself up. The thorny tree was taller than the ones around it so Lexa wouldn't have the help of smooth branches on her way up. She pulled herself up and stood her feet onto the branch and balancing herself. Slowly and carefully, she took her dagger once more and started to cut the thorns from the branch above. As she pulled herself up, a small piece of fabric entangled itself on a few thorns, getting the brunette stuck. She had both her feet on the branch, in a crouching position, her left hand attached to the branch by the entangled fabric. She pulled lightly once and again, but the fibers were not giving in.

She moved herself slightly and took a deep breath preparing herself to a stronger pull. She closed her eyes and pulled her arm up as strong as she could, breaking the fabric and releasing her hand. As she pulled, her elbow hit the thorny trunk, cutting her flesh open. She felt herself losing balance as sharp jolts of pain started to run through her arm. She knew that if she fell, she wouldn't survive so she did the only thing she could, reaching up and holding the higher branch without cutting the thorns. She clenched her jaw as she felt the spiky thorns piercing through her palms. Luckily, the pieces of cloth wrapped around her hands helped to soothe the impact or the wounds would have been much worse. She felt blood running down her elbow to her shoulder as she was hanging on the branch. Pulling herself up, she placed her feet over the thorns and stood up, balancing herself. The blood running from her elbow, now soaked the fabric around her hand. She tried to press the wound with her other hand but the thorn cut too deep. Looking up, she felt a wide smile grow on her lips as she spotted the leaves she needed to gather.

Lexa took her dagger and stretched her arms reaching for the leaves. She cut the very area of the trunk that held them and placed carefully inside the bag that hung from her neck. As she gather enough, she lowered her body and started the descent to the ground. There was a lot to do before Clarke and herself could leave to the remains of the Ark.

* * *

 

Clarke paced in her room when she heard the noise of Lexa's door opening and then closing. She approached the door that separated her room from the brunette's and leaned on it, pressing her ear against the wood in an attempt to hear anything from the other room. She pressed her eyes in confusion when she heard small moans and grunts of pain and wondered what was happening. She thought it was foolish to just keep guessing and decided to lightly knock on the door.

"Lexa? Can I come in?" The blonde asked as reached for the door knob.

She opened the door when she heard a quiet confirmation from the other side and widened her eyes at what she found. Sat on her bed, Lexa held a white piece of cloth against her arm right above her elbow while another two pieces covered both her palms. Her clothes were stained with blood and the whole of her arm and hand were also covered by the crimson liquid.

"What the hell happened?" Clarke asked taking a step closer to the brunette.

"There is no reason for distress, Clarke. These are just minor wounds, I will be fine as soon as I manage to stop the bleeding."

Clarke shook her hand as the brunette released another small moan of pain and took another step towards her.

"Let me have a look." She said, reaching out to take the cloth Lexa held against her elbow.

As she removed the cloth, her eyes widened even more. She turned her head and faced Lexa, who had a guilty expression and was attempting a shy smile, as if she was apologising. Clarke pressed her eyes and looked back at the now exposed wound on the girl's arm. Standing up, she took a bowl of water and a few pieces of clean cloth.

"I'm not quite familiar with the healing herbs, but I can clean and dress you  _minor wounds_." She said in a sarcastic tone. "But you should have gone to see Zalik. That cut is quite deep."

"I have suffered worse. This won't be a problem." Lexa said in a secure tone.

"We'll see about that." Clarke said as she took Lexa's hand, starting to remove the girl's gauntlets and gloves.

She turned the brunette's hand and placed atop her own, looking at the small cuts on the girl's palms. She dipped one of the clean cloths in the water and started to gently rub it on Lexa's skin, cleaning the cuts and washing the blood away. She dipped the cloth once more to remove the excess of blood and brought it back to the girl's skin, slowly cleaning up all the blood that dripped from the cut on her elbow. Reaching the open wound, she looked up and noticed that Lexa twitched at the contact of the cloth with the injury, which made her grin.

"Is something amusing you, Clarke?" Lexa asked, noticing Clarke's grin.

"I'm sorry. It's just I've never seen you twitching with pain before."

The blonde felt Lexa's body tensing with the commentary, as if the girl hadn't noticed that she allowed herself to show any sort of weakness. Clarke thought that it was indeed a big deal to the Commander, to openly show that she was in pain, even if it was so discretely.

"It's ok, Lexa. It's just me." She said, turning her attention back to the wound. Clarke heard the Commander sigh as she finished cleaning the cut and dressing it with a clean cloth.

"It should be fine now. It was not as deep as it looked." The blonde started gathering the supplies used to clean the brunette and stood up to put them away. As she stood, she felt Lexa's hand gripping her wrist. She looked down at the Commander who was reaching for the small bag that was tied around her torso.

"We need to do something before we leave." The Commander said in a serious tone.

Clarke put the bowl of water and clothes aside and sat down again, facing the brunette. she watched as Lexa stood up and walked towards the chest where she kept her clothes and retrieved a small box from it. The Commander walked back towards Clarke and handed the box over. The blonde opened it and found small pieces of what looked like some sort of black chalk together with a small mirror. She looked back as Lexa who stretched her arm handing her the small bag. Clarke opened the bag and saw leaves that were starting to drip a dark sort of ink.

"What is this?" She asked in confusion.

Lexa sat down by Clarke's side and took one of the leaves, breaking it in half, making it drip even more of the dark liquid.

"You are an easy target, Clarke. We cannot let the Ice Nation spot you as we do not know yet what are their plans regarding you. We know that they kept you alive so you could deliver a message but they know who you are as we cannot take chances. These leaves will change the colour of your hair so you can blend in while we are travelling to Camp Jaha. In case we are ambushed, it will make it harder for them to spot you." She said, slowly brushing the leave onto Clarke's hair, making it go from golden to a dark brown.

"What about the box?" Clarke asked, facing the Commander.

"We are at war, Clarke. To blend in properly, I think you should paint your face as we do."

Lexa stood up and walked back to the chest, taking her shoulder piece and a few other pieces of clothing. She took her gauntlets and her corset, placing all the items on the bed. Turning her attention back to the chest, she retrieved another set of clothes and handed over to Clarke.

"I separated some appropriate clothes that will help you look like you're just another of our warriors. They are also stronger than your everyday clothes, which is helpful in combat."

Lexa walked back towards Clarke and opened the box, taking one piece of the chalky objects. She placed it atop the table and turned her attention to Clarke.

"We should get ready." She said, decisive.

Clarke stood up and grabbed the clothes, box and bag and walked towards the door that separated her room from Lexa's. She faced the Commander and nodded, opening the door and stepping into her room.

* * *

 

Clarke stripped off her clothes and took the black trousers Lexa separated for her. They were thick but soft, giving her a feeling of safety. She was glad to notice that she could move freely, even though the fabric looked like it would be constrictive. She passed a vest over her head and tucked into the trousers, topping it with a corset and a long jacket. On the top of the pile, a pair of leather gauntlets and an overcoat completed the outfit. She looked down at herself after putting all the garments on and felt a weird sensation. It was like she was no longer herself, but at the same time, it felt right. Even though she had no sense of who she was or where she belonged, even though she could not recognise the image she saw when looking to herself, it still felt right. It felt safe.

She took the leaves from inside the small bag and started carefully spreading the dark dye onto her hair. She slowly rubbed the broken stalks, making sure every area was completely covered by the ink. After a few minutes, she took the small mirror from the box and looked at her reflection, making sure it was all covered. With a nod to herself, she put the leaves down and took one of the chalky pieces. Clarke brought it to her skin but as she felt it touching it, she couldn't move. She knew that the Grounder's war paint usually had a meaning and not everyone wore it. The majority of the warriors wore masks and only the generals like Indra and Anya, their seconds like Octavia and top ranked warriors like Lincoln were wearing the paint. She thought about Lexa's paint, how it was detailed and unique, marking her as the Commander, with the small round trinket between her eyes. She took a deep breath and and placed the chalk on the left top of her forehead, pressing it against her skin and running it down diagonally to the right, passing in between her eyebrows and over her right eye and cheek, finishing the stroke under her ear. She then brought it up to her nose, making a straight line over her left eye, finishing on the edge of her hair line on the right temple. Looking into the mirror, she placed her hand under her right eye, and ran the chalk down twice, making two straight lines that ran downwards. The first one finished in the middle of her neck and the second one, on her jaw line. She stretched her arm and tried to have a better look at the pain in the mirror and smiled at the result. She thought that the combination between the diagonal, vertical and horizontal lines resemble the shapes of the Ark, while it was still up in the sky. It reminded her of her purpose in this upcoming battle, and at the same time, where she came from. She took her sword that laid on her bed and secured it on her back, while two smaller knives were placed in sleeves on both sides of her waist. Taking a deep breath, she walked towards the door.

* * *

 

Clarke stepped through the door into Lexa's room and found the brunette facing the small balcony door, fasting her gauntlets onto her arms. She felt her chest getting slightly heavier as it was the first time she was seeing the Commander in her war gear since Mt. Weather. She took another deep breath and cleaned her throat to make the Commander notice her presence.

"I'm ready." She said as the brunette turned to face her.

Lexa widened her eyes as she faced Clarke. The Sky girl looked like she wasn't from the sky at all. The dark dye from the leaves completely covered her hair, mixing the bright gold with the black ink, creating a deep brown colour that perfectly disguised the girl's locks. She bent her head to the side, taking notice of Clarke's dark pattern across her face. She knew not of the meaning for those specific patterns but she could tell it suited her, it completed her in an unexpected way. She felt like she was, at the same time, looking at a complete stranger and looking at the very essence of what was Clarke, for the first time. She was a warrior. Not Trikru, not Skaikru, just Clarke. She was both things and none, all at the same time. Clarke held a small grin that Lexa noticed at once. There was pride and confidence in that smile. The Commander felt like everything she loved and feared was right there, printed on the arc of her lips. Lexa knew that even though the disguise was perfect, she would always be able to recognise her, for the blue of her eyes were like a deep lagoon she was desperate to swim in, the blue that the sky would have if the sky was perfect.

The Commander cleared her throat trying to, at the same time, clear her mind and divert her gaze from Clarke's.

"We should go then. It is a two days walk to Camp Jaha." Lexa said taking a deep breath and moving towards the main door.

* * *

 

They reached the gates of Polis where a small group waited. Nicola, the Sea Clan General, lowered her head in respect, an act that was followed by the ten warriors that accompanied her, as the Commander approached with Clarke. The blonde felt slightly uneasy when she noticed that Nicola did not greet her, or even looked at her properly.

"Heda, osir ste ogud" Nicola said.

"Teik gyon oso au." The Commander responded, motioning to the guard at the gate.

As Lexa started to walk towards the gate, she felt a light grip on her wrist, what made her turn around and face Nicola, who had a confused expression on her face.

"Heda, beda oso hod Skai Prisa op?"

The Commander let a smug grin grow on her lips as she pointed with her eyes to Clarke, who was not recognised by the Sea Clan General when they arrived at the gates. She watched as the woman's eyes grew wide and Clarke took a step forward, facing them.

"Skai Prisa nou ste komba raun." Lexa said, holding the grin. "Disha belaik Klark kom Trikru."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yu na ste. - You will be.  
> Heda, teik ai dula em op. - Commander, Let me do it.  
> No, Lusio. Ai souda dula em op. - No, Lusio, I mus't do it.  
> Heda, osir ste ogud - Commander, we are ready.  
> Teik gyon oso au. - Let's go.  
> Heda, beda oso hod Skai Prisa op? - Commander, shouldn't we wait for the Sky Princess?  
> Skai Prisa nou ste komba raun. - The Sky Princess is not coming.  
> Disha belaik Klark kom Trikru. - This is Clarke from the Tree People.
> 
> Also, as a sidenote, in casse you're curious, [this](http://nataliearriolaphotography.com/Images/conceptual/woman_war_paint_portrait_fullsize-conceptual-photography.jpg) is how I imagined Clarke's paint.


	15. Now You Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Firstly, I would like to apologise for the lack of update last week. I had some quite hectic weeks and this story is not as simple and easy to write as "Artists Love Better" is. This one demands a higher level of concentration, research and dedication because it's close to canon and I want to make it as believable as possible. So I hope you guys forgive me. I prepared a specially longer chapter to make up for the nothingness of last week.
> 
> However, I must warn you that this might happen again this week. I am going to travel on Thursday and won't be back until Monday night so it's very likely that I won't have time to update before then. I will try to put something up on Wednesday but, if I can't, next update might take a couple of weeks. I am really sorry for that, guys!
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for the constant support, your feedback gives me strength and happiness. I really hope you enjoy this one, it's about time I give you guys some candy! As usual, words in Trigedasleng will be will have a little glossary in the end!
> 
> Don't forget to poke me on Tumblr, I'm once-upon-a-sasss! ;-)

**Chapter 15 - Now You Know**

Lexa slowly opened her eyes and took a deep, sleepy breath. Sitting up, she rubbed her eyes, getting used to what was left of the night's darkness. She knew that the sun would be up soon and their journey to Camp Jaha should continue at first light. Looking beside her, she widened her eyes as noticed that the spot where Clarke fell asleep was now empty and the blonde was nowhere to be seen. She also noticed that Nicola was not in the small camp they settled to spend the night. She stood up and looked further for Clarke, not being able to find the blonde. She wondered if she had set off on her own, trying to reach Camp Jaha without the group of Grounders, but the thought was quickly shook off as the Commander knew Clarke wanted her to come along. She approached a warrior who were sat on a tree log, sharpening his dagger with a small rock.

"Weron laik Klark?" She asked the warrior.

"Heda." He lowered his head in respect. "She woke up not long ago and asked to stand guard. She went that way." He pointed to a small glade.

The Commander nodded and started walking the direction pointed by the warrior, spotting Clarke not much further into the glade. The blonde was standing near a tree on a straight stance, looking around; her hand resting on her dagger's sleeve. Lexa let a small grin grow on her lips as she lowered her body and started approaching the blonde, making no noise. She knew she was exquisite at being stealth and, obviously, sneaking up on Clarke would be an easy task.

When she was close enough, she raised from her lower stance and brought both her hands up, still very quietly. As she started leaning forward, she saw Clarke quickly turning around with a smug grin on her face, hitting her open palm against her chest and pressing her against the tree, raising her dagger and touching the edge of the blade on the skin of her neck.

"I don't think so, Commander." Clarke said still holding the smug grin that grew wider when she noticed the confusion on Lexa's eyes.

"How?" Lexa said quietly, still holding the blonde's gaze.

"I learned from the best." The blonde said.

Lexa smiled holding Clarke's gaze. She then closed her eyes and in a quick movement, she knocked the dagger from Clarke's hand, grabbing her own dagger from its sleeve with one hand, and the blonde's jacket's collar with the other, pushing her and turning around, pressing her against the same tree and touching her neck with the edge of her own blade.

"You did, indeed." She said, looking at the now wide blue eyes of Clarke's.

The Commander relaxed the grip on the dagger and pulled it back, putting it inside its sleeve but kept the hold on the girl's collar. She took a small step forward, still holding the girl's gaze, changing her focus from her eyes to her lips.

"Never lose your focus in combat, Clarke. The situation can change in a heartbeat." The brunette said in a whisper.

"Is this a lesson to me or to yourself?" Clarke asked with a coarse voice, changing her gaze from the brunette's eyes to her lips.

Lexa inhaled sharply, her lips slightly parted and her eyes fixed on Clarke's, she felt like a hurricane of feelings was running wild inside her chest. She took another small step and stood only an inch away from the blonde, her grip still tight on the girl's jacket, her heart beating so fast she felt like it would explode inside her chest. The Commander inhaled Clarke's scent, taking in the proximity with the blonde while the chill breeze of the forest helped to cool down the fire she felt growing inside of her. The air grew thick around them making it harder to breathe.

Clarke looked at the Commander's eyes, trying to read her expression. The brunette looked like she was hardly in control of her thoughts or feelings, she looked the same way she did when they were inside her tent before Mt. Weather. She looked thirsty, bewitched, like there was nothing else around her; nothing but Clarke. The blonde could feel the Commander's heart beating against her chest, she could feel the heat coming from the girl's body and she felt her own heart follow the rhythm. She wanted to get even closer, she wanted to close the space between them, she wanted to show Lexa the feelings she couldn't express.

Lexa quickly released the grip on Clarke's jacket as they heard the sound of a broken twig. Clarke released a breath she didn't know she was holding as Lexa took a step back.

"We should go back." The Commander said after cleaning her throat in an attempt to dilute the thick air around them. "The sun is rising and we will be leaving soon, I wish to arrive in Camp Jaha before the sun sets again."

"Lexa, wait." Clarke said as noticed the brunette starting to move. "There is something I want to discuss with you."

The Commander faced Clarke, waiting for the girl to speak. She wondered what was it that the blonde wanted to discuss and why she never mentioned before. Leca knew that they were really close to Camp Jaha and Clarke was probably feeling uneasy, not knowing how she would be welcomed by her people.

"When we get to Camp Jaha, I'll do the talking. I don't know how they will welcome me, let alone how they will welcome you."

"I do not intend to interfere, Clarke. I came with you because you asked me to, and because I want to show you that you can trust me."

Clarke faced the Commander and saw nothing but truth in her eyes. The brunette really wanted to prove to her that she was trustworthy, that she did what she had to do to save her people but she never actually meant to hurt her. She knew Lexa would not think twice before choosing her people again if the situation called for it, but little by little, the blonde started to make peace with this idea, thinking that in her place she would, and will do the same.

"I know. But they don't. So I need you to trust me." Clarke said.

"I told you before, Clarke. I trust you."

"I know." Clarke said with uncertainty.

"We will be there soon and everything will become clear." Lexa said putting her hand under Clarke's chin and raising her head gently. "When you talk to your people, you will know for sure that they are warned about the Ice Nation, that they will have time to wither get themselves ready or move to somewhere safer. You are their leader, Clarke. You should return as such."

Clarke nodded and followed the Commander who turned around and started making way back to the small camp they set near the glade, neither of them noticing the presence in the shades, watching their every movement.

* * *

Clarke stopped suddenly as the gigantic features of the fallen ark came into view. Staring at it with wide eyes, she took a deep breath as Lexa approached her and stood by her side.

"This is it." The blonde said. "We're here."

"Yes, we are." Lexa responded, still facing the fallen ark.

Clarke pursed her lips, taking another deep breath. A million thoughts were running inside her mind. She couldn't tell if she was scared, but, she knew that the uncertainty of what lied ahead made her feel uneasy. The fact that she had no idea how her people would welcome her was worrying. Also, she marched in full Grounder gear, with her hair dyed brown and her face covered in war paint, followed by a group of Grounders and Lexa herself. Bellamy and Octavia knew what Lexa had done, they knew she had left them to die in Mt. Weather. She knew Octavia held hard feelings for what Lexa did but she thought that maybe Bellamy would be more understanding. He was also a leader after all and he knew that in battle, tough decisions have to be made.

The blond felt a slight rub of the Commander hand on hers, reassuring her. She turned her head and faced Lexa who still looked ahead. With a sigh, she carried on walking, followed closely by the small group Grounders and their Commander.

* * *

"Don't come any closer!" Shouted the guard at the gate of Camp Jaha.

The group stopped a few meters away from the entrance of the Camp as they heard the guard. Clarke raised both her arms, showing she was unarmed and took another step forward. Nicola motioned to carry on walking but she was stopped by Lexa, who knew this first step had to be taken by Clarke alone.

"Josh, it's me, Clarke." She yelled back, recognising the guard. "Clarke Griffin. I need to talk to Bellamy. It's urgent."

Clarke took another few steps forward and watched as the guard pressed her eyes, looking at her.

"Clarke is blonde and she is not a Grounder. She never came back from Mt Weather. Whoever you are, you're lying and if you come any closer I will shoot."

Clarke looked back and saw Lexa standing just a few feet away from her. The Commander was holding a canteen up, offering it to the blonde. She walked back and took the canteen.

"I have more dying leaves with me for you to cover your hair again." Lexa said. "Pour the water over your head and the dye will fade."

Clarke nodded and walked back to the spot where she was. Opening the canteen, she lowered her head and started pouring the water and rubbing her hand on her scalp, making the water wash away the dye roughly, but enough for the golden colour of her hair to start showing again.

She raised her head back, her hair dripping a dark liquid, and faced the guard once more. Noticing his eyes widening, she took another few steps forward.

"Get Bellamy. Now." She said in a strong voice, making the guard turn around and run inside the camp.

She looked back at Lexa and nodded, motioning to them to step forward. The group gathered around Clarke, the Commander standing by the side of the blonde.

After a few minutes, Camp Jaha's gate started to open and a small group of people carrying weapons exited. It didn't take long for the leader of the group to stop walking, drop his gun on the floor and open his mouth in surprise.

"Clarke?" He said, pressing his eyes and taking a few more steps towards the group of Grounders. "Oh my god! Clarke! It's you!" He looked back at the group what accompanied him. "It's her! It's Clarke!"

Clarke widened her eyes as his tall, heavy body collided with hers in a tight, awkward embrace.

"Bellamy… I can't breathe." She said breathless.

"I'm sorry, I… Oh my god, Clarke I'm so glad you're back! And…"

Bellamy stopped talking as he looked at Lexa. His features hardened as he took one step back.

"I see you've got company."He said, dryly.

"Bellamy, we need to talk. Something's come up, something serious."

"Why did you bring them?"

"Because we need their help. And they need ours."

"They need our help? Are you kidding me?"

"Bellamy, this is not the time or place for this conversation. You have to trust me. Let's go inside and I'll explain everything. This is important and we are all in danger. So before you start judging, please, let me speak."

Bellamy sighed and looked back at Lexa and the Grounders, and then back at Clarke.

"Fine." He said. "I am glad you're back, Clarke, but I hope you know that when it comes to trusting the Grounders again, I am the least of your concerns."

He turned around, grabbing his weapon from the floor and walking back inside the gates of Camp Jaha.

Clarke took a deep breath and walked towards Lexa.

"It's gonna be fine. I can handle them." She reassured the Commander.

"I have no doubt of that, Clarke. You are their leader after all."

Clarke nodded and turned around, motioning with her head to the group of grounders to follow her. With another deep breath, she tried to control her thoughts and feelings. She was back, but she didn't feel like she belonged there anymore. She was not even sure if she would be accepted as a leader, after being away for so long. She knew, however that she would do anything and everything to protect her people, regardless of how they see her. She straightened her back and rose her chin, taking the last few steps into Camp Jaha with confidence as she knew she would need to prove herself in order to be able to keep her people safe.

* * *

Clarke felt out of place. She was happy to see her friends and her mum but she wasn't expecting to feel like this. Like she didn't belong. She did, however, still felt the same bont to her people that she did before. She wanted to make sure they would be safe, she wanted to take them to a safer place; the Ice Nation was near and she didn't want them to be taken by surprise. Also, she knew that the guard's guns would be a plus in the upcoming battle. She stood in one of the big rooms of the fallen Ark, together with Lexa, Nicola and the ten warriors that accompanied them. It didn't take long for Bellamy to enter the room followed by Octavia, Lincoln, Abby and Marcus.

"Oh my god, Clarke!" Abby ran across the room and hugged the blonde tight. "I'm so glad to see you're ok!"

"It's good to see you too, mum." She hugged her mum back. "I missed you. I missed all of you." She said, letting go of her mum's arms. "Before anything, I want to let you know that I had to do this. I had to go. I hope one day you can understand why I did it. In fact, I'm not ready yet to come back for good. But this is a start and I am glad that you took me back in."

"We took  _you_ in, indeed." Octavia said with spite.

Lexa felt her chest tingling with both shame and rage. She knew what Octavia meant. She knew she was walking towards Clarke's forgiveness but there was a lot to go through with her people, especially if she wanted to do as Clarke wanted; having their people as one.

"Is there anything you wish to say to me, Octavia?" Lexa took a step forward, facing the smaller brunette.

Clarke took a step forward and put herself between the Commander and Octavia. Facing Lexa, she bent her head to the side, as if telling the brunette to calm down and wait, as she had asked before. Lexa sighed and took a step back. Clarke turned to face Octavia, who pressed her eyes to the blonde.

"Octavia, there is no need for that. Lexa and her people are here to help us." She said.

"Like they did in Mt. Weather?" Octavia replied.

Clarke took a deep breath, she knew this wouldn't be easy but she also knew that she had to stop any possibility of conflict.

"Right, listen up everyone. Yes, Lexa and her people turned their back on us in Mt. Weather. It was awful and we could have all died in there because of it. But we didn't. We saved our people, which is exactly what Lexa did when she took that deal. Victory stands on the back of sacrifice and she sacrificed something to get her people back, the same way I sacrificed hundreds of innocents to save our people. I am no better than she is and if that deal had been offered to me, if I had the chance to save my people without any more blood being spilled, I would have taken it. We have a bigger problem than this coming our way and we need their help. It's about time that we stop seeing each other as different and start seeing each other as one. It's the only way we will survive down here. You want to have the grounders as your enemies? Fine. But remember that there are twelve clans of them, heavily armed and all over the place. We are just us. And our bullets won't last forever."

"Clarke is right." Bellamy took a step forward. "I would have done the same."

Clarke looked at Bellamy and nodded, thanking him for the support. Deep down, she knew he would be on her side; she knew he would have done the same.

"Now, the main reason why I came back, is to warn you about something." She paused and took a deep breath. "War is coming."

"What are you talking about, Clarke? We just stepped out a war, we are not ready for another" Marcus Kane said.

"Then you should get ready." Lexa spoke once more. "The Ice Nation is coming."

"The Ice Nation? It's not possible. The clans are united! You united them, Heda!" Lincoln frowned and sounded surprised.

"They are coming, Lincoln. And they are not far from here. We need to evacuate Camp Jaha as soon as possible and those who don't want to evacuate must get ready to fight." Clarke completed. "They are planning an attack, a big attack, and they are coming to kill everyone in sight."

"How do you know this, Clarke?" Abby asked, worried.

"I...I saw them." Clarke said quietly.

"You saw them? And you know they are coming to attack us? You can't know this by just seeing them." Marcus pointed out.

"Clarke was kidnapped by the Ice Nation six days after she fled this camp." Lexa said, making everyone in the room turn their heads to her. "They tortured her, tried to make her tell them my secrets. But she did not say a word. She remained loyal to the alliance I broke." The Commander said, turning her gaze to meet Clarke's. "They released her in front of the gates of Polis, her life was hanging by a thread. It is actually a miracle that she is standing in front of you today. The only reason why they did not kill her, was so she could get a message to me. And the message was clear: They are coming."

Abby brought both her hands to her mouth, holding back a sharp exhale. Every single person inside the room had now their eyes on Clarke, who felt more out of place than ever. She didn't want that kind of attention, but she knew that telling what happened would be the only way to convince her people that danger was imminent. She silently thanked Lexa with a nod for saving her from having to go through it once more.

"So the coalition is broken." Lincoln said.

"Not yet. The eleven other clans remain together and will fight together to defeat the Ice Nation. We have intelligence that they have a large army and their plan is to invade the land and claim it as theirs." Lexa explained.

"And how do you know that Camp Jaha is in immediate danger?" Kane asked.

"Lexa sent scouts from Polis and from all the clan villages. They found an Ice Nation camp not far from here. Which probably means that, whenever they are planning to attack, this area will be one of the first targets." Clarke said.

"And what is the plan?" Bellamy asked.

"We evacuate Camp Jaha. Send the people to Polis, they will be safe there. And for those who don't want to leave, we are going to TonDC to meet Indra and her army and we will attack the camp." Clarke continued. "This is not the war yet, but it's the start of it. Once the Ice Nation Queen knows we attacked her camp, she will retaliate."

"You don't have to fight these people, Clarke." Abby implored. "If we have to evacuate, come with us and stay out of this. It is not our fight."

"Not my fight?" Clarke felt angry. She knew her mum meant well, she was just worried, but the feeling of not belonging was speaking loud. "I was tortured by those people, mum. They almost killed me." She said, facing her mum. "And did you hear a single word of what I said earlier? It's everyone's fight. They are coming to kill us all. They are seeing us as one even before we do. I saw my people suffering in the hands of enemies once and I can't… I won't let that happen again!"

Lexa let a small grin grow on her lips. She felt proud of Clarke. She knew the blonde was a true leader but it was like she was seeing her blooming right in front of her. Even though she was away for so long, she still had what it takes to lead her people and they still listened to her.

"We have no time to waste. We are going to TonDC when the sun comes up and the rest of the people should go to Polis by then. The warriors that came with us will accompany the people from Camp Jaha into the city and ensure their safety." Clarke finished.

"Alright people, it's decided. Get ready to leave at first light." Bellamy started addressing the few people in the room.

"You can't make this decision, Bellamy!" Abby said.

"Unless you have enough guns to defeat a massive army on your own, mum, I think this is the only option." Clarke said, still sounding angry.

She looked at Bellamy and nodded, motioning for him to carry on and start preparing.

"I am staying." Bellamy said, getting a nod from Clarke as response.

"So are we." Lincoln said with Octavia by her side.

"Mum, please, I need you to help me taking these people to safety. I don't trust anyone else to do this." Clarke turned her attention to Abby.

"I will take care of it, Clarke." She said after sighing heavily.

"Now we should rest. Tomorrow will be a big day." Bellamy said, pointing with his head to the door. "There is food waiting and I already got a room prepared for you to spend the night" He continued, addressing Lexa, who nodded.

As everyone started leaving the room, Clarke felt a grip on her arm and saw Octavia holding her wrist. Once the room was clear, the small brunette approached Clarke with a serious face.

"How do you know you can trust her?" She asked.

"This is different than Mt Weather, Octavia. A lot have happened since then."

"You didn't answer my question, Clarke. How do you know you can trust her?"

"How did you know you could trust Lincoln?" Clarke asked.

Octavia widened her eyes at Clarke's question. She knew why she could trust him because they saved each other's lives a number of times and, she knew, that she would always be there to save him, and he would always be there to save her. They had a connection, a bond she could not explain, only feel. She couldn't see or understand how her trust in Lincoln could be any similar to Clarke's trust on Lexa but, even though she didn't understand, the mention of it surprised her; why would Clarke ask her this as a response to her own question, how would she understand why Clarke trusts Lexa by thinking about her connection with Lincoln? She felt, however, that whatever reasons Clarke had, they were strong and, even though she generally disagreed with the blonde's decisions, she thought that this time it would be a good idea to just try and understand her. If her trust in Lincoln was to be, in any way, a comparison of why Clarke trusts Lexa, then it is probably a good reason.

"She won't hesitate in putting her people first, Octavia. But neither will I. This will be a fierce war, a lot of people will die and we need each other. We need her people and my people to be  _our_ people. And I know she wants that."

"Indra won't want me back." Octavia said sighing and facing the ground.

"We will see about that." Clarke replied. "Now let's go. I'm starving."

Octavia nodded and both of them left the room with only one certainty: War was coming.

* * *

When the sun rose, the people of Camp Jaha was ready to leave. With bags on their backs and hands, they formed a small crowd by the gates. Clarke hugged her mum and her friends, saying her goodbyes. Her hair was once more dark, dyed with the leaves provided by Lexa.

A group of around 20 guards stayed behind to join the army in TonDC, as well as Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln. As the gates opened, the people started to walk out, followed closely by the ten Grounder warriors that came with Clarke and Lexa. After about an hour, Camp Jaha was almost empty, except for the small group that was gathering guns and getting ready to leave.

It was still early in the morning when the group left Camp Jaha, heading to TonDC. Lexa and Clarke leaded the way, with a couple of guards in front of them, making sure the path was safe.

"You did well, Clarke." Lexa said quietly. "Your people still listens to you."

"It was weird." The blonde replied. "I felt… I don't know. I felt like I didn't belong there. Like it wasn't my place. I mean, I could feel the connection with my people, but it was the camp and everything that it brings to my memories. I just don't belong there anymore. At all."

"Polis will always be your home, Clarke, for as long as you need it to be." Lexa reassured the blonde.

"Octavia is worried." Clarke said. "She said Indra won't take her back. I know Octavia, she really loves and respects Indra. But in Mt. Weather everything was upside down. She made the same choice you did; she saved her people."

"I cannot make this decision for Indra, Clarke. But I know Octavia have become a valuable warrior. I will speak to her upon our arrival in TonDC but I cannot guarantee anything." Lexa said.

"Thank you." Clarke said.

The group carried on walking carefully through the forest, going as fast as they could. It was not a very long distance to TonDC and they knew that Indra and her warriors were waiting for the Commander to go ahead with the attack at the Ice Nation camp.

* * *

When the group arrived in TonDC, Indra was already dressed and painted for battle. she widened her eyes when she saw Bellamy and the guards from Camp Jaha and her jaw slightly dropped as she spotted Lincoln and Octavia.

"Heda." Indra lowered her head as Lexa approached. "What are the Sky People doing here?"

"They come to help us, Indra. And If I remember well, not everyone in that group is just a Sky Person." Lexa said, pointing with her gaze to Octavia.

"She betrayed us when she challenged your command, Heda. She is no longer my Second." Indra said dryly.

Lexa could, however, notice the eyes of her General, showing differently than her words. She could see fondness in Indra's eyes, she could almost say that the General missed Octavia.

"I cannot influence your decision, Indra. But know that this is the moment for you to make a choice. I am giving you this moment to choose what you really want to choose." Lexa said, softly.

Indra remained in silence for a while, as if she was taking in Lexa's words. She took a deep breath and turned her gaze to meet her Commander's.

"We must go through the tactics, Heda. Everything is ready and waiting for you."

Lexa nodded and walked towards the main building of TonDC, followed by Clarke, Bellamy, Nicola and Indra, as well as a few warriors and guards.

Once inside, Clarke saw a drawn map of the surrounding area, with an X marking the spot where the Ice Nation camp was. She looked at Lexa who also studied the map.

"Do we have a plan?" Clarke asked.

"Now that we have the help of the Sky Clan guards, this attack should be easier." Lexa said.

Clarke felt her heart skip a beat when Lexa called them The Sky Clan. She didn't know if the brunette did it by mistake or if she was really making an effort to show that this time, their people were really in this together. Either way, Clarke felt her heart fill with confidence, which made her smile.

"We can have the guards with the fayogons here, here and here." She said, pointing at different spots on the map, pretty much surrounding the camp.

"The warriors will be spread from this side to this side." Indra said, pointing to an area on top of the X on the map.

"The Sea Clan warriors are already in position on the trees around the camp, Heda. They will attack as soon as they hear the sign to do so." Nicola completed.

"Very well." Lexa said. "We attack at first light. We must, however, remain vigilant throughout the night as they might attack us at any moment."

"What if they try to flee during the attack, Heda?" Nicola asked.

"Our main concern is this village. If they try to come this way, we stop them. If not, we let them run back to their Queen so they can let her know that we are ready." Lexa said with the same pleased look she has every time war is about to begin.

Clarke looked at Lexa and saw that look in her eyes. She saw how the Commander enjoyed that, how it made her feel good. The blonde could feel the atmosphere changing in the room, she could as well feel the excitement that comes before battle. She wondered if Brynjar would be there and thought about how good would feel to see her getting what she deserved. However, a scary thought followed. the same way the Ice Nation General could have what she deserved, she thought about the possibility of Lexa or herself getting hurt or even killed in battle. It was a real possibility and the thought of it made shivers run through her spine. She wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready to be killed or to see Lexa being killed. The slightest idea of seeing Lexa falling in the battlefield made the air escape her lungs. there was too much to be said, too much to be done, she definitely was not ready to let Lexa go. Clarke was brought back from her thoughts by Bellamy, poking her on the shoulder.

"How does that sound to you, Clarke?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" Clarke asked, confused.

"Clarke, are you alright?" Bellamy looked worried.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just zoned out for a minute. What did you ask me?"

"Lexa said that you and her will stay at the back of the warriors group and will be the least ones to enter the battlefield. With luck, when you get there, the battle will be pretty much over." He said.

"Yea, that sounds good. What about you, Octavia and Lincoln?" Clarke asked.

"I will be with the guards." Bellamy said.

"Octavia and Lincoln will march with me." Indra said.

Clarke looked at Lexa who let an almost invisible grin grow on her lips. Clarke mimicked the action, understanding that Lexa had interfered and, hopefully, Indra would take Octavia back as her second after the battle.

"Indra, you can go and debrief the rest of your warriors now. We won't have much time to rest as the sun is already starting to set. Bellamy, you also should pass on the plan to the guards."

Both Indra and Bellamy nodded and left the room, followed by the guards and warriors that were present. Nicola, Lincoln and Octavia walked out after, leaving Clarke and Lexa in the room.

"Clarke, is there something wrong?" Lexa asked. "You were not paying attention to the tactics."

"What if we get killed?" Clarke asked, abruptly.

"We will not die." Lexa said, certain.

"You don't know that."

"You are right. I do not. But it is futile to worry about that in the eve of battle, Clarke. You must focus."

"I know. but I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking about how I'm not ready to die. I'm not ready for you to die."

"These thoughts will only weaken you. You must think only about your actions and what you will do to keep yourself alive, rather than what will happen if either of us die." Lexa tried to reason with Clarke.

"You can't tell me that you are not worried at all about dying. I mean, we've come such a long is so much I still have to tell you, things I couldn't say yet." Clarke said, taking a step closer to Lexa. "You can't die on me now. At least, you can't die without knowing what is inside my head, what I'm feeling."

Clarke was scared. That could be the very last time she was exchanging words with The Commander. That could be the last time that she saw those green eyes with fondness in them. That could be the last time she would be able to be close to her, smell her scent, hear her voice. No, she didn't want that to be true. She didn't want that to be the last moment they shared. But what if it was? What if that was it? what if her life was doomed to end on the next morning or, even worse, what if Lexa's live was doomed to end? Lexa had to know. Lexa had to see what was in Clarke's head and heart. It that was it, if one of them was to die in the next morning, at least they would die knowing how she felt.

"I told you before, Clarke." Lexa smiled as she spoke. "Death is not the end."

"Well, I'm not taking any chances." Clarke said, taking another step forward.

She stretched her arm, reaching for the Commander's neck and pulled the brunette's face towards her own, making their lips crash together. She kissed Lexa with passion, as if that was their first and last kiss. The Commander kissed her back, placing both her hands on Clarke's waist, pulling the girl's body closer to hers. Clarke took Lexa's lower lip between hers, licking it softly, asking permission to enter Lexa's mouth. The commander moaned softly as their tongues touched, dancing together slowly and passionately.

After what felt like an eternity and at same time, not long enough, the noise of an object falling on the floor made them break their kiss and walk away from each other, trying to hide the thick air that surrounded them, in case someone was coming in. As no one came, Clarke took a few steps forward and touched Lexa's cheek.

"Now you know." She said as she turned around and walked out the room, leaving a panting and speechless Commander behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weron laik Klark? - Where is Clarke?  
> Fayagons - Fire Weapons.


	16. THIS IS NOT A NEW CHAPTER

I have received LOADS of messages lately asking about They Are Coming. It sucks that so long have passed and I still didn't update it.

I do apologise for making you guys waiting so long.

I want to let you all know that the fic will continue. I will update it and hopefully it will be soon. The story is not lost, I know exactly what is going to happen and how it is going to happen. What I’m lacking is time to actually sit down and write.

I believe that soon, really soon things will be less hectic in my life. Then I will be able to write properly. One of the reasons why I haven’t posted anything is exactly the fact that I don’t know when I’ll be able to post next. 

But believe me, it will happen and it will be soon.

Thank you so much for all your kind messages and I’m sorry again for making you wait for so long.

Hang in there with me for a little longer and I promise it will be worth it. 

Love,

Cissa

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! :)


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